Kiss My Sweet Sticks !

Sometimes I Wish.....

2008-12-20T00:49:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I wish... I didn't have to have a check list before I leave the house... Pump...check...batteries ...check....needle...check....bottle of insulin....check....blood machine...check ....test stripes...check.....something in case i get low...check...lunch....check.....
Sometimes I wish I didn't have to think about diabetes...if I eat this will my sugar go high... if I walk this far will I get low...if it says "sugar free Slurpee" did some one F*&% up the tube in the back and now I have a 530 blood sugar Now I have to go back talk to manager who questions my intelligence and just in the end repeats "oh someone must have mixed up the tubes in the back" DID I NOT JUST SAY THAT !
Sometimes I wish I could just wake up shower put on my cloths walk out my door and not have to think of all the things that go with this full job of taking care of myself... I ALREADY HAVE A FULL TIME JOB !
Sometimes I wish I didn't feel tired and ache due to high blood sugars that I can not explain.. that even though I lost 100 lbs I still have a 9.6 A1C
Sometimes I just wish.........

I am the incredible shrinking woman

2008-04-19T01:24:00.002-04:00

I am trying to remember how far I have come and my face seems to change everyday ... since I have been back I have not talked to much about the Lap band I promise in post to come I will update more.. so far I am 85lbs down I had my 1 year aniversary March 20th I wanted to be down 100lbs but I will just need to keep pluggin ... anyway Just a brief note and photo of my changing face more to come .

Me Type pretty someday ...

2008-04-18T00:50:00.003-04:00

I have to giggle so many times I attempt to be witty on here and type out my whoas with humor and then I publish and re read what I have already read two times and still manage to find my silly mistakes .. often it is because my hands speak faster than my brain or err umm vis versa... I am so clear when I talk yet when I type I seem "challanged" I thank you all for putting up with me ha ha ....oh and my punctuation, maybe someday I may take a breathe and type a period....until then I will just type my feeling and hope all do understand for we are not here to be perfect right? or at least not type perfect.. hope you all can still enjoy my blog and get something from it.
It is often hard for me to admit but D has gotten a hold of my eyes to an extent so I type then I have to take my lap top bring it to my face to re read what I have done here but I do so enjoy getting comments and typing, that, I don't mind, just makes for more of a challenge sometimes... I know I will not go blind but what use to be sharp vision is not there details and little things are hard to see... I am greatful that is it, but on times when I want to lay back and type on my lap top I find myself cursing diabetes for taking away my detail my fine tune... I try hard to not get angry but I don't want to be friends with this disease I don't want to take care of it I don't want to make it happy I don't even want to sleep with it ... and yet I have too! "they" say keep your friends close and you enemies closer... well I would call diabetes and enemy of the body and it is so freakin close I trip on it everyday. We don't get a break we don't get to leave it home . often my therapist says to not define myself by my diabetes HOW CAN I NOT , "IT" is here 24/7 no freakin vacation... yes I know I sound angry and most days I just let it pass but there are days like now when I just want to read my damn lap top and guess what I have to bring it so far to my face take off my glasses (go figure) to read what I have accomplished and to read all of your beloved blogs takes some effort but i don't want to miss anything ...people have often made fun of me or said "can't you see with your glasses ?" do you need new glasses?" if I have to explain one more time how I have to removed my glasses to read my books and I read with one eye because I have two different visions from this damn disease I might scream! I make a joke and laugh it off and most days I just deal with it but I would love to just read a book without pulling it close that would be nice. Until that day I curse this enemy of the body and then tell myself I love you .

A LONG long Time hope I can reconnect ?

2008-04-16T22:33:00.002-04:00

Hello all I know it has been a long long time since I have been on here I became pretty overwhelmed in what I will call my "journey of self discovery" in a nut shell My computer crashed, I have been working 70 hours weeks, I have a hard time focusing for more than a minute to even compose a blog entry, I have been tryin to get skinny,I moved, I am looking to buy a house now and move again.
As my Uncle always says and now coming from Modonna mouth "The road to hell is paved with good intentions!" so true in my world I have so many intentions and good thoughts that lead to more good intentions that leads to me not getting a damn thing done. So this is my attempt to get grounded first step entering a semi understandable blog and reconnect with so many of you out there especially my big D friends I hope you all are well? please drop a comment if you have not deleted me from your list I plan to visit and read up on all of you this my take me some time. Again and intention I do plan to finish. lets hope I dont get to hell first.
First and formost my main reason a while back for not typing to much I was at a local bar last summer watching my favorite band that I will leave nameless... (explination comeing in the next few sentences ) I was approached by this creepy guy that asked me "are you a navelette?" this is what my favorite band calls my friends and I , I thought that he had just seen us there at the bar before and knew me that way... he then says to me "your diabetic right?" I reluctantly said "umm yes" he then said yeah I know about you I read your blog" .... I know this is a open forum to all nuts, crazys, and Us Sane people and it is a risk to put your stuff out there but I had never been approached by someone that made me so uncomfortable I only see this as an outlet and had become close with the common people I talk to on here forgetting there are other eyes that can read our thoughts... not that anything I have type has ever been a regret or concern just creeped me out ... but I realize now how much I miss the connection I found here with my fellow Big D people and miss that.

Whew!! now that that is out of the way... Update on me ... I am 85lbs less I had my One year aniversary on my lap band surgery March 20th I wanted to hit my 100lb loss by that time but I will take 85... this past month I have stayed the same weight but I need to keep my eye on the ball this surgery did not fix my eating disorder brain or take away my taste buds I could not do any of this without the lap band and I have learned to accept this... I tell people "i put my rehab in my stomatch "
This was the best choice I could have ever made, mind you it has not been easy.
Without being too graphic I have found many places to pull over when something does not want to "go down right" and I need to "get rid of it" there has been many curtisy flushes in resturants and this is not because I ate something wrong... there is no common factor to tell me if something is not going to work... what goes down today maynot go down tmorw and there is no ryme or reason. I have learned to stay in control but still want Chips (THEY GO DOWN) oh just fine and so I try to keep focused and have a small bag every 2 weeks .
Now the big question how is my DIABETES? I started with an A1C of 9.1 last visit I was 8.0 IT TOOK 80 LBS TO SEE A DIFFERENCE !! yeah can you tell how I feel about this??? I am stil seeing high numbers and not as pleased as i would like to be ... but I feel good and can walk everywhere I love to go to the mall now cuz I can walk the whole mall and back again without being out of breathe .. It is funny I forget and every time I park my car I take a deep breathe and say ok lets get prepared to walk the "green mile" as I call it to get from point A to point B then I step out of my car with ease and go Oh Yeah! I can do this with ease now I forgot the dred goes away and I walk confidently to my destination.I feel normal to an extent I have not felt normal in years ..
I can dance with my god daughter walk with out looking for the closest chair I can dance on stage with my crew .. I can do it ... I am so excited!!! but with excitement comes forgetting not forgetting all of it but forgeting I still have about 60lbs to go and then mantaining oh good lord !!!! fingers crossed and one foot in front of the other not looking back is how I keep moving thru the days but slowly I have added some carb back in my diet and the exercises has gotten a little less time to bring it back... I am very obsessed with worried if the weight will come back. People don't seem to get that if I dont worry it can happen cuz even when I am happy I eat ... you see it is probably to much to type but when I loose some lbs and I did not really try I think "oh well I did not try and lost cool then I can keep not trying" ... yeah no I just got lucky.... so I need to just take a deep breathe and my motto I say a lot "just keep swimming" .. Well I am going to try to come here every day and add more here and get reconnected look forward to catching up with all of you again.

THANK YOU !

2007-07-26T22:56:00.000-04:00

Thank you is not nearly enough! to all over you out there I can not believe how much you kept up with me and still read my blog! I have shivers and warm fuzzes all over knowing that there are people like you out there !

Nikki, Scott thanks for checkin in so fast wow!

This is also a long awaited Thank you to Scott over at "Scott's Diabetic journal"

last year I won Scott's test strip contest and he sent me a 25 dollar Gift certificate for Amazon.com I finally spent it on "Visual Chronicles" this is an altered journal" how too "book something that I love to do and will explain in another post I am deeply sorry for the delay in thanks ! Scott your wonderful !

Wow! Am I Sorry

2007-07-26T00:44:00.000-04:00

So much has happened and I just can not believe it has been so long since I have blogged this is a short update and I thank you all for your support and checking in with me NIKKI so sorry about not checkin in with you and all I have a lot to catch up on FIRST order of business I had my surgery March 20th and I am not down 43lbs Wooo Hoo ! am trying to stay positive now that it is coming off I want it off faster but I am OK . Mostly why I have not been blogging that even thought I am down 43lbs in 4 months unfortunately my eyes have had several bleeds due to my diabetes and I am not able to see the screen to read THIS SUCKS! I did this surgery to help with my problems and in the last 3 months I have bled in my right and left eyes twice and this is a 3 week recovery... one cause that the doctor said is from the vomiting from this surgery.. NO those of you out there please do not think OH NO you vomit all the time ... this is not a vomit like you will think . As you start to eat food again somethings get stuck and you cough a bit and it comes back up... this is just while you learn to eat slowly and small bites but unfortunatly when you vomit this causes pressure in the face hence the eyes which has caused the bleeding from the diabetes retinapathy so, I promise to go more into depth about this in a later blog this is just a small blurb to let you all know I am OK I need to catch up on your blogs too... I am off to the eye doctor tomorrow 8 AM Hoping that he does not say surgery I have so much to catch up on and to catch you all up on .. HUGS to all !!!!!

IT HAS ARRIVED

2007-03-19T20:19:00.000-04:00

All my contemplating all my hemmin and hawing all my work all my walking all my fear all my energy has been for this day AHHHHH what was I thinking? I will go into surgery tomorrow 3/20 between 9:30 and 10 Am PRAY people PRAY ! if I feel well I hope to be blogging about the experience by Friday.... Fingers and toes are crossed {along with a little help from MR. Ativan}hi and and DEEP breathe .... See you all on the other side :-) Thanks for all your support . I will need it !

I know I know

2007-02-18T12:05:00.000-05:00

Slap my wrists I have not been blogging for quite a while sure hope people are still out there I try to read what I can on my little 2 way pager while at work but it does not allow me to type and the one thing of giving up my HELLISH job to a better more free job is lack of assess to typing my blog.... MUCH has happened in the last few months... let see Where to begin... 1st the New job is going well I am all over the state (769 miles to be exact) when I am not working in the high school which them brings me home sometimes at 11pm where I am just looking for the couch and some sleep ...
UPDATE after much testing Phyc. Check I am sane folks believe it or not , Nutritionist. Check we all know this is not my strength, 2 Sleep studies ( mouth open ) I have sleep apnea well if you had 200 lbs of flesh on you wouldn't you find it hard to breath? yeah I think so! Result, I get a Darth Vader machine tomorrow woo hoo ! LUKE I AM YOUR FATHER!... and Finally but defiantly not least I will be having my lap band surgery on MARCH 20Th yes can we say FREAKING OUT ! as the nutritionist handed me the 5 stages I will be going thou and the 1000 calorie NO fat diet I need to follow 2 weeks prior to surgery ( apparently larger people have bigger livers and so this diet shrinks the liver so that they can get thru and around it laporscopicly, Who knew ! ) I basically GULPED! walked slowly to my car and got in and PANIC called my mom and contemplated Weight watchers called a few friends that have had this done asked if they freaked out ( which of course they did ) and ate a Big Mac ( hmmm go figure) Thru this whole process I have know that food is my problem I mean common... what I did not expect is how much of a loss this was going to feel like ... so weird and yes I have therapy to get thru all of this just so weird ... anyway I am walking thru the fear and hope to end up nice and healthy on the other side... the one thing I am most afraid of is going under the knife which I have never done... and getting really low and not being able to treat it... but I am just tryin to breathe and take it as it comes ahhhh !... So somethings to distracted me I am in my play again this year we are doing a spring production on March 10Th and 11Th if anyone wants to come I think you might like it we are called "The CRIDDERS" and it is quite a unique experience come check up out I will be the Tacky tourist (very hard to miss) in the Hawaiian shirt just come on up to me and say hi at the end check out our web site . So needless to say besides working a 50 to 60 hour workweek that was not enough for me so I decided to have play rehearsals every Sunday from 1pm to 9 pm but what the hell I am having a blast.. so I hope all are well and think of you often...hope to get on here more often keep me in your thoughts March 20Th thanks a bunch !

Consultation Number 1

2006-10-26T22:16:00.000-04:00

Ok yes folks I am still here, I do not have access to a computer ever day at work anymore.. so it is making my blogging days less... I do think of you all and miss keeping up on my reading.. please don't give up on me I am still faithful and need my group of online support only you understand the stuff I go thru, the furustration, the 2 job day, or should I say Life we all have one to earn the money to support number 2 then just ad in a few bottle of insulin,some needles, a pump, some test strips, extra batteries, a lancet poker thingy, some juice,a snack, a packed lunch, and dinner if you're doing a hell of a long day. Once you finish off your check list hop in your car drive make sure you have breakfast your morning dose and any other meds to keep you sane than we end up back home into bed to rest and start all over again, Who understands all this better that all of us. No one that is who I feel so safe knowing I can come here and put it out there and I know out there someone is nodding maybe with a slight giggle going OH I hear ya! Who better to come home to. it is you, so if you don't see me for a bit please don't forget me as I try to lurk and keep up the best I can and miss you when I can't ..

::breathing:: Now Updates::::

New Job: IT IS SOOOO BORING .... AND i LOVE IT! No more meetings, frustration, trying to keep copies of all my notes In case someone decided to lie. NO more headaches, clenched teeth, There are still unpredictable sugars and a 9.1 A1C I am hoping that will change.. I have read it takes a good 3 months to adjust and after 3 yrs of unbelievable STRESS I am thinking it might take more... the nurapathy in my legs has become worse.. so I have decided to proceed with the lap band surgery. Which I will get to in just a moment.. I am not "Just the interpreter" and I love it I don't have to fix anything I just show up sign my little heart out I even get to Paint LOL imagine that while my student does not need me when she is painting the teacher is like get a brush give it a shot.. and Iam pretty damn good ! ha it is a blast to do nothing.. being that she is a senior it is 10 months of boredom ( a well deserved break in my book) and then I will be ready to drive around and be a busy little bee again.. ahhhh what a breathe of fresh air and I got to keep my benifits too :-)

Update number 2" I have gone to 2 seminars on the lap band surgery as I mentioned in my other post about the doctors comment.... I then went ot one in Boston and LOVED the doctor I was all set and determined to go to Boston .. but as I made my appointment on my 34 th birthday Oct 2nd thinking this will be a birthday present to myself... I began to realize how much is going to be involved the Pro... great doctors a whole Wing all on bariatric surgery all the people want you there and want to work with you ... the Con... a 500 dollar non refundable program fee.... follow up that had to be done 2 weeks after surgery, then the "Fills" every 3 months ... Healing if there was an infection no noe knew me here... A new job that I can not take off to much time from to travel the 2 hours to get to the doctor..
So I decided to stay in Connecticut the Pros... able to make the appointments after work at 2 pm as to not having to use my sick time... Able to go to the hospital if needed and that is the doctor that did the surgery .. a 5 min ride compared to a 2 hour one.
the Con and obnoxious doctor that said " well if you diabetic and 20 years old you can not expect to live to 50" OH and not to worry folks I will be calling him on that on my appointment which I have made for Nov 2nd at 330 pm..

Update number 3:: "back in the saddle again" looks like I am back to the eye doc for some more Laser surgery to my right eye.. I had another bleed in my right eye the one that had the vitrectomy surgery that was not suppose to ever bleed again hmm well it did.. doc thinks there are two spots that seem to not be getting enough blood flow so he was to Zap them in the office means one day of blurry vision SO that is happening Nov 1st yeah I am thrilled ...::: eyes rolling:: but he still promises me I will not go blind so all I can do is trust him.

Thinking of you all fondly hoping your all well... please leave a small blurp letting me know you doing well... HUGS JULIE

I don't know how I feel ...

2006-09-26T23:34:00.001-04:00

It's Monday 4:00pm I arrive to my weekly therapist appointment .. I would like to think that therapy is making me better but I don't know if it is.. I talk about my issues what bugs me and we discover new things lately one in particular is how my diabetes effects my whole life and how I view it and gee I don't know why ::eyes rolling::: it seems since I have developed complications and every time I go to the doctor and they SIGH with "the look" I know you all know "the look" hands clasp together and they say" Well Julie you have had Diabetes a long time and these things happen" ... So back to therapy I explain how I can not seem to get organized and so I just give up. her reply was " kinda how you feel about diabetes ?" as tears start to come and I am not sure exactly why I answer yes like that. I explained how last weekend my parents had a tag sale and most of the stuff was mine but I am unable to help lift because even if I look hard at something I bleed in my eyes and it takes 3 weeks to clear... so out of fear and lately terrible burning from nurapathy in my legs and my lower back due to my weight I have to sit a lot and usually that leaves room for criticism from my cousin the WONDER WOMAN who was able to loose weight in her 20's exercises everyday since and never gained it back.. she thinks I am lazy and just do not help.. but as I talked about this my therapist suggested ..."I wonder if you feel this way because is part of that true?" I pondered a bit and then more tears started to come... years ago I can say I was lazy and that statement is true so now that I physically can not do it the guilt still lays there.... watching my parents in their 60's lift and move things and not being able to help make me feel bad and as we get older I am the one that is suppose to be taking care of them but instead they still have to take care of me in a way. So we discussed more of that and how I give up very easily ... if I follow a diet and don't loose much weight in a short period of time I give up... if I start to clean my house and my back hurts I go to the couch and give up... I use to have goals I use to want to be better than this.. what she wants me to try and do is try and separate my feelings toward diabetes and giving up and try to see if I can decipher between real life stuff and doing or pushing myself a little further in the things I can do .. and accepting the things that I can't . More tears I expressed how at 33 soon to be 34 I feel so old and I just am so tired of the fight I would like to regain my energy to fight and get motivated and I have to change my thinking in order for the Lap band surgery to be a success... but god I am scared a lot of the What if.. running around in my head.. what if I fail, what if it does not work, what if I am allergic to anesthesia and die on the table. There is a better Julie inside me and she has been gone for about 5 years and slowly this new person seems to have stepped in and taken over it is like running on a hamster wheel and I know all the stuff I need to do and it is all right outside there yet I keep running on this wheel fascinated and unable to stop stuck in my own world ... how do I stop and get off and do the things that need to be done?.. I try to take things little by little day to day but it all seems too much do I want to give up ? NO there is a better me screaming to get out and I am trying to let her so it makes me feel all screwed up inside... am I feeling sorry for myself ? No, more like god I just want to get it right ... so I plug along... I then had a friends father also a diabetic that has not taken care of himself was living in Puerto Rico she had to fly there to get him and bring him here to the US because the Gangreen in his foot has become so bad they wanted to take his foot... upon bringing him here it looks like they will just have to take his Toe... but Again there is this damn disease smacking me in the face... he is deaf with lower education from PR and his communication is different than most but he understands me and always wants me to explain to him what is going on... I then think about and break it down.. and at the same time think SHIT this could be me..
As I visited him this afternoon his leg so Red and hot with infection he hugged me and signed you next ( his cultural way ) of saying this could happen to you ? and watch yourself ... I think god I don't want to be there, yet I can't get off the damn Wheel..I don't know how I feel I am mixed with several feelings and just trying to sort them out ... I see I am rambling and if anyone has gotten this far on my post thank you ... I just felt the need to type I did not know what would come out .. So much going on MY NEW JOB is Wonderful and stress free (more on that later) I am actually bored out of my mind and it is ok ... Boredom over stress will win any day.
So in the end of my session of Therapy I felt some what motivated and started picking things up and I just have to accept it is going to take me longer that before and pace myself trying to decipher which is me giving up or me really pushing too hard ...

When I am down

2006-09-10T14:05:00.000-04:00

This is who keeps me going... My God daughter ... Since the day of her birth I have been there and she just keeps me laughing and going.. When I feel I can do no more I just look at this little cutie and take a deep breath.. I think of how she has grown now 31/2 she calls me JuliePond now this is my full name first and last but she thought it was my whole first name .. so for 3 years she has called me this, now that she knows that people have first and last names she looked at me with her deep brown eyes and said "JuliePond" what is your last name ... I looked at her and said Pond .. she disagreed and said no no your name is JuliePond so what is your last name ... I then said my last name is Pond... she laughed looked at me and said " you crack me up" god this little one can be the biggest drama queen and spill tears about the silliest thing .. yet I can not help but laughing with her and crying with her... I babysat for her last night ... as she climbed the stairs at 5 am to where I was and without words just cuddled into my arms I am so thankful since I do not have my own kids. I often tell her mother this is my girl you just gave birth to her... and as you can see she Loves to play dress up she likes to wear her dress up cloths and jump on her bed.. and announce to the whole world " I AM A DORK , BUT I AM A BEAUTIFUL DORK" the laughter just pours out of me. Sometimes there are just better things to think about than diabetes ... at least for a little while.

Acceptance of complications

2006-08-31T12:19:00.000-04:00

Well I started my new job yesterday (more on that later) but as I turned to look at someone and the ever so scary yet trueness (not a word I know but it is in my vocabulary today) of diabetes appeared in the form of a black like snake in my eye.. This has happened before and I am sure will happen again but damn this disease and its complications . I know what the eye doctor told me I get that I have advanced retinapathy and these things will happen but damn it! I don't want to accept it, I want to scream I want to throw myself on the floor and bang my fist and kick my feet ... but being the adult diabetic that I am I sighed deeply called the eye doctor and got the answer that I knew, the veins try to pull away from the gel in my eye which in laymans terms is like an elastic band and when it snaps I feel nothing but see what looks like a screen in front of my eye... This does clear up to an extent like 3 weeks later and the doctor says you will be fine, BUT in the mean time I am interrupted in my daily life with annoyance and just plan fatigue of dealing with this disease I know things are and can be worse I could be blind but this is just something that is a constant reminder of what diabetes can do and has done to my body.. Yes diabetes is a part of me after 25 yrs but the toll it has taken is now a constant reminder literally in my eye. Heavy sigh until this passes .

A trip to Joslin and then... 1 MORE DAY

2006-08-23T15:19:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow I make another 2 hour trip to Joslin I do not expect to have a good A1C but I am going anyway ... meet with the doctor and the nutritionist and discuss my visit to the Lap Band doctor on Sept 7th so they can all work together and work on setting up a date for me to do the surgery :::breathing:::: sure hope this is the right choice...

In other news I have 1 MORE DAY FOLKS IN HELL 1 COUNT THEM 1 or 7 HOURS left woo Hooo ! more Later.

4 DAYS LEFT or hmm lets say 27 HOURS

2006-08-21T00:26:00.000-04:00

All that have been reading and supporting me thru my 3 year visit to HELL I just wanted you to know ... but who is counting ME! ME ! that's who I AM COUNTING and rumor has it that the bitch is gonna get fired anyway and guess what since I work for the state and my boss loves me guess who will get the first call and will be standing at the door as she walks out .... ME! ME! that's who.. I know the little girl in me is SCREAMING >> NEENER NEENER NEENER.. ok I am done for now... :-) LOL

Band or not to Band that is the question?

2006-08-18T09:14:00.000-04:00

as I tested this morning and saw another 300 blood sugar for the 3rd week in a row, I would like to think I have made my decision to get the Lap Band surgery done... As some of you know I have been hemming and hawwing about this subject for a few months now. 2 weeks ago I attended a free seminar that explained both the lap band and the gastric bypass surgeries. I met my mother at the local hospital here, where they provided the seminar,... I hate to admit it but I just followed a sea of Large people into a conference room and as I walked around I felt "small" I am pretty open about my feeling and pretty friendly and I found myself confronted with many shy faces if I said Hi how are you? .. I got a mumble of Hellos and faces looking down.. I thought to myself wow I think I have accepted myself for who I am and this is not a vein decision .. Because as I continued to walk and my legs began to burn and my back got it's usual cramp I know that this is something I am going to have to do for Health purposes I am unable to do this alone and feel like I am wimping out to get this surgery done but I also feel some freedom of AHHHH like with this help I can loose the 100 lbs that I need to loose and be free of the burning and back pains... I can get to one place to another quicker.

They had slides and risk factors on both surgeries the doctor was very frank and I felt that the lap band is less risky than the gastric bypass.. I saw the look on people faces on how restricted you will have to be on this and you really do not have a choice because if you choose to eat to much you will get sick on either end...Drastic? yes, risky? yes, but I am trying to see it as if I stay like this and continue to pump 200 units of insulin in my body daily and still have a 300 blood sugar I am not going to live any longer then if I get this done, maybe I can save myself and give myself a decade of happiness and why the hell not.. Sometimes you just got to say fuck it! and do it.

As the doctor spoke I enjoyed his frankness and matter of fact manner UNTIL we came to the end of the seminar and someone asked a question that I missed all I heard loud and clear thro this sea of people was the doctor say " Well if your 20 years old and you diabetic you can not expect to live to 50" my hand almost flew up and if my mother did not feel so embarrassed I was going to use humor and anger to say " well then I guess I better get the surgery tomorrow" My mother was like JULIE please tell him how you feel later .. I was LIVID how can you put that out there and think that is ok I can understand being matter of fact but with that statement I kept thinking I should be dead tomorrow... Well it is 2 weeks later and I am still LIVID. BUT I did make a meeting with the doctor to discuss surgery on SEPT 7th, oh and I WILL state to him how I think that is a very risky and terrible thing to say to someone who is living with diabetes I know for me it made me feel like WELL KILL ME NOW. since you seem to think I am not going to make it to 50, all my sarcasim and wit could not make me feel less afraid and I hate to admit it but I also felt like "shit what is the point" I hate to feel that way but now 25 years into this disease does that mean I will not live to be 50 ? that makes me want to say screw it and eat what I want, spend my money , and just be reckless...that is the unrealistic side of my brain, my realistic side know better... and that is the mind I mostly use I am scared shitless yet I keep moving and going and made an appointment to discuss surgery and hope to pick a date ..

Is this the right thing to do? I don't know.... is it worth a shot ? I am thinking so... I know if I am only going to live til 50 this is still 17 years left and I can not keep feeling the burning in my stomach from 3 weeks of 300 blood sugars and feeling like I can make a change... I will continue to post on my journey thro the life of a Fat diabetic woman (Fat is used here not as a negative just as a fact)

Hakuna Matata

2006-08-03T13:24:00.000-04:00

IT MEANS NO WORRIES FOR THE REST OF YOUr DAYS ... IT'S OUR PROBLEM FREEE ... PHILOSOPHY ... HAKUNA MATATA....The words rang thro the car the airplane and the rented condo from my God daughters mouth... ahhh a 3 1/2 your old going to Disney ... the stimulation was overwhelming which lead to hours and hours of singing the above song.. A trip to animal kingdom, and the Princess castle (which was closed causing for much disaster in a 3 yr olds head) but much singing and much fun was my trip to Florida.. I joined my friend her daughter and son and her parents .. which I can call my adopted family... We flew in on Thursday and the rest of the family joined us on friday ... after a lot of driving around we finally made it to the pool to my surprise ... I spent 4 days by a pool swimming and taking my pump off time and time again I tested 144,114,135, I had one 248 but with a quick slip on of the pump and corrections bolus was back down to 150 in no time .. to my surprise I was able to keep my pump off for 2 hours at a time of course I made sure I kept moving in the pool but to what I thought would be a week of HIGHS and sitting and waiting and drinking a lot of water ended up being a week of fun laughter and worry free... AMAZING how a little exercise will do ya .. I mean I know this but I was actually in the pool 5 days straight moving and wow the numbers ... I think if I just had 2 kids ( I watched the kids most of the time) and a pool I would be thin and healthy LOL I ate what I wanted yet had good results .. better than when I am at home with out the kids . OH and the stress free part was nice too I can only imagine what will it be like as of AUGUST 25th (by the way that is 22 days 3 hours and 30 sec from now) but who is counting ... Surly not me :: eyes rolling:: well the stress changes and things move on... time can only tell... but a much needed vacation and some breathing time away from normal everyday world did me much good :-)

A dream come true ... er I think

2006-07-25T11:21:00.000-04:00

Well I DID IT! it happened what I have been hoping for has shown its face twice... as those of you that have been reading know I work in HELL and have been tryin to get out.. hence the post I did a few months back. Anyway I then got 2 Job offers with in the state of CT Ha! 2 and both agencies wanted me.. I was so confused you know be careful what you wish for cuz it does happen... So one job was working pretty much like I do now but with a FABULOUS woman that really wanted me to work with her. The other was for our state Commission on the Deaf and hearing impaired... Taking the commission job ment working for 1 year in a high school with a senior from 7:30 am to 2:00pm that will give me 35 hours ( I needed 20 to keep my benefits) perfect only thing that made me nervous was after the student graduates then will I get my 20 hours ... and the commission needed an answer in 2 days .. The other offer was 40 hours a week guaranteed hours YET 4 dollars less an hour .. HMMM Now I had a interview all set up for the 40 hour a week job for JULY 18th.. then the commission called and needed me to decide before that or they would give it back to the school and it would be offered up. decisions, decisions,... I did not know what to do?? So I slept on it .... talked to my therapist .... then I did ask the commission if they would be willing to wait until July 19th for my decision but they could not promise that the job would be available.

The Result: after much hemming and hawwing I chose the commission job.. why ? !) my hourly rate stayed the same. and 2) there is some flexibility with the commission .. so come next June I will have to travel a bit and make my 20 hours but I can play with my days which ment when I need to go to Joslin or a doc apt I did not have to use sick time ... So I cancelled my interview UGH! they where not happy ... Because I did ask for the interview and thought there where no other choices then I had 2 offers ... wow .. SO this means as of AUGUST 25th I am OUT OF MY HELL.... and start a new adventure as of AUGUST 30th..with my fingers and my toes crossed I hope i have made the right decision...So I have arrived at the light at the end of my tunnel it is BLINDING at the moment but hopefully I will see clearly once I am settled in.

Another Trip to Joslin.....

2006-07-18T09:39:00.000-04:00

Well I took my 2 hour trip to Joslin another month down more crying more doctors telling me how I am one of the most informed patients they have ever met YET I can not get out of my own damn way. I met with a new Nutritionist we came up with a plan that she uses in her weight group ... Here is what is it looks like

Breakfast: Carnation instant breakfast no sugar added with a banana

Lunch: carnation instant breakfast again
and a veggie salad as large as I want.

3pm snack: granola bar

Super: 2 lean cuisine dinners (spa selection preferred)
with grilled veggie or salad

evening snack: sugar free pudding.

I said I would give this a try and also I am going to research the Lap Band surgery and see if it is for me ... when think of all this it makes me cry and I can not seem to get through explaining it with out welling up ... I feel like a lost soul .. I DON"T feel sorry for myself at all it is just feeling tired and not able to find that energy to do the work I need to do ... but my health is not improving so I know I need help. So I agreed to come back next month with more Logged numbers I did get a new meter one touch ultra smart that I can download my numbers and email or print them out I think this will help. often times I test but find the logging thing a PIA so hopefully this will help.

Since I started this blog and did not post I have tried this new eating plan for 1 day ( waited for pay check ) damn expensive to eat healthy.. So far I got low abt 7 pm since I just had the granola bar at 4pm, I felt hungry at lunch and dinner so that is when I added a banana with the drink. At the moment I feel less hungry and it is 11:15 am. Motivation is fair and I just know have to try.

Must be diabetes ...YEAH RIGHT !

2006-07-16T00:14:00.000-04:00

WARNING PEOPLE LOTS OF SWEARING IN THIS ONE.Reading Nicole aka Fred's blog UGH this stuff URKS me (ok 0k maybe I started getting urked reading Kass's blog ) WHAT ARE PEOPLE THINKING... going around thinking just because they read some article on diabetes makes them experts ... just because their best friends, brothers dog had freakin diabetes makes them say " should you be eating that?" should you procreate?" ahhhh... Ok I am breathing .. but I think what urks me more is that I talked about this with my friends... we got talking about death (morbid i know) but we lost a friend to a blood clot that went from her leg to her heart ... and so we all went to her funeral and the first thing someone said was " ahhh Sarah must of died because she was fat " My friend and I looked at each other and said "NO" ok mind you that this was a Deaf friend of mine and it may sound harsh but Deaf people say things very direct and out with .. shit you know what ... Hearing people do to scratch that. Anyway I told my friend the one thing I do not want and Hate is 1) if I die I do not want someone coming to my funeral and saying with that PATHETIC looking face "HMMM must have been the diabetes , poor thing" or "Hmm if Julie just tried a little harder and lost that weight" (Now I know that this is inevitable and things like this happen every day and I will be dead so it will not matter what is said ) But I want to die of natural causes damn it!! LOL I want it to be because my body was done with this world not because I had diabetes... and the 2nd thing that Urks me is when people say like if I am drinking a lot of water on a particularly HOT day ... "oh your diabetes makes you drink a lot huh ?" (baring down on my teeth so it looks like a smile ) saying " uh, well no not really (sidebar: IT IS FUCKING 100 DEGREES OUT ASSHOLE AND I AM HOT EVER HEARD OF THAT sidebar over.) just hot today " Or, " oo are you allowed to have that ?" " Er, ummmm once in a while it is ok yeah" (sidebar: ARE YOU ALLOW TO DO WHAT YOU DO ?") or the whole should you have salt ? question just knocks the shit right out of me ... HELLO and most times these are the same people that smoke or drink and I am thinking like I am 10 yrs old " nah nah one finger pointed at me is three pointing back at you " ok enough with my Sidebar comments. Know that this is never said but only thought in my own little brain but com'mon people! Who made you an expert and who are you to tell me. I guess when people have nothing better to do they focus on stuff they know nothing about .. ok I am done :-)

ON the FLIP SIDE

2006-07-14T10:19:00.000-04:00

As I read Scotts post today about forgetting his pump over night and worrying if he could even keep water down , and reading other blogs about how people take about 2 units of insulin and they go from 300 to 30 in about 3 hours I start to think ... is my body just use to being high a lot am I that resistant is this just how it is going to be?
My sugars to say the least are not perfect and I have never been a Poster child of control... and I do not worry when I take a big dose of insulin because it does not seem to hit me all but once in a blue moon. For example last night I tested and I was 327 a high sugar I know, Yet I only felt a little thirsty a little tired and I could have still eaten .. so when I tested and saw a number in the 300's I was a bit surprised. I took the correction bolus avoided eating and went to bed only to wake up at 227 ? Make me wonder why did I not drop down LOW ? I have also been know too take the 10 units by pump and take another 5 units by injection and that brought me to 150 so I wonder why my body is so stubborn.. is it the weight? I mean I can take a HUGE dose wait 3 hours be only 200 and take another dose .. plus if it is lunch time a bolus for that and still maybe if I am lucky end up at 150? This is weird right ?

Also I notice lately that when I am STARVING like BIG MAC starving and I test my sugar is usually high? Shouldn't I feel sick ? why would I want to eat with a 300 blood sugar .. just things I am noticing more often than before and the more I read the more I wonder.. and to top that off I notice when I feel nauseous usually I am getting low ? HELLO has my body just flipped on me does this happen to anyone else ?

2006-07-12T10:31:00.000-04:00

OK I know I am not alone ... the Scene: went to see Pirates last Monday with a friend. The theater had stadium seating... Now I am not a small girl but there is PLENTY of space to move you legs in this kind of seating. So the movies starts and I start to feel feet on the back of my seat... I am thinking " OK not something I would do but do big deal" well Now in the next hour the feet keep moving and kicking the back of my chair .. I look up and I say " PLEASE!" I thought that would be enough... BUT NOOO! more kicking more moving so I finally sit forward and turn around and it is a girl my size trying to cross her legs .. OK woman my size can not keep cross their legs something always slips and slides and BOOM right into my chair again.. so I look at her and she looks at me I thought again that should have been enough.. Well sitting back my head keeps feeling like it is being knocked into next week... I am huffin and puffin finally my friend said to me " If Your gonna say something the Just say it !" my main reason for saying nothing was 1) my friend does not like confrontation, 2) I did not want to make a scene but it was ruining my viewing. I was thinking it is not a big deal common now just watch the movie but there was so much movement it DID bother my viewing!... FINALLY after a lot of hemming and hawing I turn around and say "PLEASE! Stop kicking me seat! ,,,,, THANKS" and it did subside except for one more time ... I finished watching the movie which I thought about the same thing as Julia said in her post.

Gideon goes for a swim .....

2006-07-05T10:10:00.000-04:00

+

This equal disaster....so I thought whew!
It was a clear yet hot beautiful Saturday in July, Gideon (my pump) and myself decided to go to a pool party simple enough been going to them the last 19 years of my life with Slim Shady now Gideon. We arrived at approximately 2 pm with towel and suit in hand. As beads of sweat where pouring down my back the pool looked inviting.. so I quickly changed into my new swim suit for the season ( I found a 2 piece that looks like a one piece but make for a nice shelf for Gideon to lie on) Click Gideon to my side and proceed out put my glasses on the table so not to lose them. Chat with some friends as I head to the refreshing water to cool off... Down one step, ooo heated pool so easy to slide right in. Swim over to a friend who was sitting on a bench at the deep end and start chatting ... as she is chatting with me I feel something slightly extra on my side that should not be in the pool with me .. FEAR to say the least enters my brain and I envision Gideon on my side first, I had to mentally picture myself unhooking and putting it on the table with my glasses when that vision did not come and my hand slowly lowered to my side ... Telling myself to stay calm you have been unhooking for 19 years it is ok you did not leave Gideon on your side ... My hand and Gideon connect and I register OH MY GOD ! I LEFT MY PUMP ON! I try to stay calm unhooked and shook the excess off. Thinking waiting for an Alarm to sound ...................................Nothing ! hmm I look still says MINIMED at the top of the screen hmmmm still allows me to hit buttons and show display screen.... hmmmm my friend places Gideon in the sun for a short time as I pray and try to pretend all is fine .. in the mean time my head is racing if it alarms I don't have anything with me as far as shots, means I will have to leave a great party .... mean DAMN DIABETES... means I have to order another one and figure out how to use the damn lantus damn damn damn... but I wait 30 mins tryin not to let my thoughts get the better of me. I walk every so calmly over to Gideon and my Knight is still working still lighting up still letting me bolus still working ... halleluiah !!!!!!!!! now 5 days later and he is still working ... Thank the good Lord .. I look back NEVER in 19 years have I ever forgotten to take off my pump ... I guess it is true what they say .. NEVER SAY NEVER.

Expanding Diabetes

2006-07-03T09:43:00.000-04:00

I use this "expanding" word heavily as when I explain diabetes to Deaf clients newly diagnosed or to children.
With Kids I often remember when I was 8 yrs old and the nurses at the hospital had me watch a move called "EDI" for Exercise Diet and Insulin.. I have always remembered this movie anyone else? it showed me as an 8 year old the inside of a body with all these lines and what I know now as cells... then there was a capital I with a police hat on and the capital I would slide over to a "door" open it up and then blow a whistle and all these little i would come marching in line and enter the "door". Funny what you remember.
When explaining this to Deaf clients I try to paint a picture as to what it looks like ... I usually point to my stomach, then sign behind the stomach is a pancreas ( there is no sign for this you have to finger spell the word) then I expand more .. "inside there are betta cells" those cells make medicine called insulin... if the betta cells stop working then no insulin. " " Means, if you eat food it goes to your stomach and sits there and does not know what to do. it sits and sits if no medicine then you will become sick as food piles and plies .... insulin shows food where to go... some people need pills some need shots some need both."
When I am done with this expanding of explanation I look back and go WOW like Scott said we are amazing at how much we need to know and then how everything works in order to get this point across in another language... I have learned to always ask questions deep down to the core on how something works so you can picture it.. it then becomes amazing to me that only 1% of the pancreas is what produces the insulin and that 1% is what gives us all this grief and knowledge that we need to know !

Ready to throw in the towel

2006-06-29T10:57:00.000-04:00

I just can not seem to get it right .. I lost that 20 lbs so damn quick only to find out today I am 4 lbs away from have put it all back on..,I was doing so good .. following so much and doing what I should then I gave up.. Threw in the towel all because I was told I could not exercise because my eyes where bleeding do the this Damn disease... why can I not just do it right ... just stay on track but NOOOOO I have to go and fuck it up and not follow any plan .. so not instead of being smaller this summer I am back to the beginning .. I wonder should I get the gastro bypass surgery? or the lap band surgery? should I just accept that I am unable to do this damn food stuff and let it be what it is .. ? I try to think positive I try to eat right and then I give in after 2 or 3 weeks because I don't see any results.. so instead I am just FAT again... well I have always been FAT but ugh ! I just want to be at a healthy weight .. I am not looking to be a super model. or a bikini wearing bitch I just want to be able to loose enough so my back does not hurt when I walk and I don't have to feel so big and bloated.. God why can I not just keep going .. I guess if I look at the big picture which I often find hard to do according to my therapist .. I am going to see a new nutritionist on July 17th and I sure hope she can help .. To think about getting a surgery scares me and the doctors at Joslin do not agree due to the fact that T1 people tend to have really bad lows with the surgery and then you can not treat it cuz your stomach is to damn small to get anything down .. God I don't know I just don't know how to get where I need to be... Does anyone have any experience with the surgery? that is a T1 ? did it work ... I feel I want to fix the way I think about food first before I even attempt surgery but will I ever get it right ? Thanks for reading girl just Venting her whoa's of the day ...

Flooded with Memories

2006-06-28T09:54:00.001-04:00

Ah... Kassie sure knows how to bring the Memories back...
on reading her post .. and seeing the pictures of camp my stomach drops, my eyes start to have water, and memories come flooding in. How I miss Camp and to think I left after 5 years then got a job that has me working in the summer.
Oh but the stuff I remember with new reforms there... that is not the camp I remember though I am sure it will make the same memories for staff and campers there now...
My memory as a camper I only went 2 times but Polar Bear swim gotta love a 6 am swim( now getting up at 6 am is just a PIA (pain in the Ass) but back then it was cool to have your name announced for doing something so Brave. ( hey I was 9 what do you want)
As a CIT Learning how I was now the role model for the kids .. but I got to tell the ghost stories ... and how we were dared to sleep in Clara's House one night ( we all chickened out )
Lobster patrol .. how fun Do do da du!
Then as a counselor oh the fun of being on patrol and going out on your night off , being so tired by the end of session three we where mood swinging bitches that laughed, crabbed at each other, gossiped, but in the end it was all good memories.
Songs in the dining hall... Myself had lost a dare and had to stand in front of all dressed as a peanut singing the Liverworst song.
Having to Peeeee after drinking too much soda and afraid to walk to the center in the dark waking Allison ( anyone know where she is now) to stand on the porch while I go and no townies come or animals ... then Allison running around the cabin herself trying to scare me LOL godthe memories.
Having meetings with the seniors talking about diabetes and eating disorders and how they relate. learning things that kids did that I never would have thought of.
Learning the tricks of the kids...
Walking what felt like 100 miles to get Ice cream.
Driving the kids to Joslin in a lighting storm and a tree was struck in front of me and fell in front of the truck.
The dances , crying girls cuz boys did not ask them to dance.
staff weekends.
relaxing in the center watching TV just enjoying the time
The year one kid brought lice to camp and ALL the kids got Lice and I had it all summer and so did my co counselor
using vinegar and Kniks to get it out and lining the kids up going thru their hair one by one
I had to throw away all my sheets and anything I brought with me ... nothing got rid of my lice and did not get rid of it until I got home and cut my hair and my mother combed everything out .
Baseball games
dressing up in costumes dancing around like a jack ass to entertain :-)
Camp fires and Camp songs
Capture the flag
swimming across the pond with a sanitary pad burning torch :-)
"This little light of mine"
Nabs and Honey
waking up low kids to get them to eat.
Leaning about alcohol swabs and cotton will make a chemstrip lower to get a double snack
(I wish I knew that as a kid)
seeing how diabetes affected young girls and having them ask me "did you ever want to just kill yourself because of diabetes" ( thinking to myself wow thank god I never felt that low)
Knowing more than the doctor at times :-)
Having kids line up for me to give them shots because they loved the way I did it. I had kids actually wait for me to do it that was an honor.
Gaylen getting a HUGE splinter stuck in her Ass lol ( does she have a blog?)
Discovering that I was not the only one who struggle with food and diabetes.
Making such friends I still remember today and wish I kept in touch,
So glad I found some of you on here to have these memories with.Ok these are my memories some may remember and some might just be how I viewed things but in the end it was a connection I will never make again like the days at CBC.

Feeling cheated

2006-06-22T13:45:00.001-04:00

RAISE YOUR HAND... if this has ever happened to you .... it is 5:00 PM you're low like 50's low you plan a great dinner which entails preparing veggies and chicken..(grilled of course) and maybe some whole wheat pasta.. YET, you're so low and shaky you have to sit and you proceed to eat the oh so planned 2 cookies and 8 sips of juice thanks to Kerri over at Six until me, or hmm your favorite cereal (in my case fruity pebbles) that seems to taste SOOO GREAT when I am low! and instead half hour later you're a half a box into your cookies or cereal (your pick) thru and realize oh geez! I over treated but Hmm, if I count it as Dinner then it will not be out of my calorie range ( well ok only if you had No CARB all day but who's counting) So you decide to count it as your meal and suck it up to good 'ol Diabetes butting in again.. only to sit back and feel like since you WOOFED down those calories to feel better only to realize you did not taste a damn thing at all because you just wanted to feel better.. and there you have it Dinner is over your sugar is 300 and you got cheated out a another meal. happen to you ? please do tell cuz I know I am not alone right? or am I that girl dreaming again?

Twenty Five pretty cool things since I became diabetic..

2006-06-19T08:54:00.000-04:00

Read Kassies Blog got tagged....

1) Got to go to a really cool camp at age 9 ( did not know that at the time cried the whole time)
2)Came back to camp at age 18yrs old as a CIT had a great time wish I had come every year
3)Went to camp as a counselor for the next 5 years met some really cool people.
4)Got a dictionary on sign language and took a community class little did I know it was my future career.
5) went on a pump at ages 12, then for keeps at age 18
6) Graduated H.S.
7) Went to college to become a sign language interpreter,
8) Learned that learning sign is not all it took, I learned a whole other culture and mannerisms.
9)Worked and Lived at the American School for the Deaf the first school to be opened in the world for deaf children.
10) Became so fluent in sign deaf people actually thought I was deaf ( this is a BIG compliment)
11) Moved on my own with a roommate at age 19
12) Made great memories with roommate got stuck in a snow storm we had no food except for waffles and jelly that we ate for 3 days until her brother got his truck out and was able to get us tuna subs some reason that is all we wanted. We still laugh about that today.
13) Moved 10 times since then :-)
14) Follow a local band (Ronnie snoit and the navels) and dance, dance, dance, my friends and I are called the Navelettes we follow them so much.
15) Auditioned and was accepted into a sign language theater group which I perform in every year it was hard to get in and what a wonderful experience.
16) Auditioned and made it into another theater group and realized how much I love theater
17) Passed my Certification there are 2 parts one is a written test ( not my strength) but I was unable to take the performance part (sign) until I passed 250 dollars each time I took the test 2 times in CT then drove to Maryland and took it on site so I could get the results in 10 mins instead of 2 weeks. PASSED
18) While in Maryland took train to Washington and got to see Gallaudet college one and only fully deaf college bought a shirt :-) lol
19) Saw Washington at Christmas time took a trolley tour BEAUTIFUL!
20)Went to Joslin in Boston met wonderful people.
21) Adopted 2 cute cats.
22) Have a beautiful god daughter that adores me.
23) Was a bridesmaid 3 times ( uh oh!)
24) Saw the Lion King on stage
25) Have stood in front of Thousands to sign "O beautiful" and the National Anthem.

Sometimes I Wonder...

2006-06-08T10:29:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I wonder.. if I didn't have diabetes how different would I be today ? I was reading aiming for grace and clicked on her 20 things she knows about diabetes. It got me thinking ( a scary pastime I know) one of her things to know was "I got use to having diabetes" and that hit me as WOW! I too am use to having diabetes, I am use to the needles, I am use to the eating, (I said used to not accepting LOL) I am use to people asking me what is that thing on my waste a beeper? I am use to explaining how I got diabetes, I am use to people going OHH you have diabetes and having the pitty face. All this stuff I have gotten used to and can honestly say comfortable with. I may not like all that I have to do but it has become habitual. Then I wonder if a cure came and it was taken all away .. what would I do.. I mean of course I know I would be thrilled, ecstatic, eat what I wanted and not count a thing. but after 25 years of being in habit of this thinking and consumed by the big D. I hate to admit it but it is part of me it identify a lot of who I am and that makes me feel sad. I usually base my day on how good my sugars are.. because one thing my therapist does not get is that it is a constant and a factor of my days. My therapist has often pointed out how I will tell her something about myself not related to Diabetes at all and then bring in a statement like " well my sugar is high so I don't feel that great" she says I then SQUASH all the good things that happened in that day and don't enjoy that. What I try to explain to her is diabetes is ALWAYS there I can forget for a few mins and enjoy a moment but if I do not feel well due to a high sugar I can not enjoy that moment as much. So if all this worry was taken away all this Shot Shit, Freaken finger prickin stuff, Making sure I have extra supplies with me, interrupting my day to take time out was all gone.. I just don't think I would know what to do with myself there would have to be a lot of retraining, mental intervention and reminding, and I am not sure that I would not put on 20 lbs with all the non carb counting I would not be doing, As much as I want this... I can not lie and say it does scare me too cuz you always go back to what you're comfortable with good or bad.. dysfunctional or not this is a truth I had to express and just sometimes wonder.

Read Julia's post got Taged MeMe

2006-06-06T16:11:00.000-04:00

I read Julia's post at Major Bedhead.. so here is my entry does it mean anything ?

For Just a Little While

2006-06-05T15:16:00.000-04:00

This past weekend I was in a play "the Funeral" will post some pictures soon .. As Saturday night ended and the play was a success.. I took the rollers out of my hair ( oh it was a sight to see) we all gathered to my friends Hotel and went swimming. I was 1 of 2 hearing people in a whole cast of Deaf people this is quit an honor. We all jumped in the pool and just swam and played and jumped on eachother.. as I looked around I could not help but think all the stuff we go thro every day and fight for weather it is to be "heard" with your hands or take medicine to stay alive.. in that moment I saw thro the steaming fog just for a little while we where friends gathered together accepting of our differences and it swelled my heart .. we where not hearing and deaf, diabetic or non diabetic. black, white, Puerto Rican, fighting for rights, voicing what we see or trying to get our point across. We where just a group of friends gathered together having fun and swimming and rough housing like when we were kids. Taking time out to breathe and just have fun. For just a little while we had "just been" with out a care in the world.. With out passing any judgments .. then 11 pm rolled around and the pool closed but for just that short time was enough to take a breathe and head back out into a world we know to continue the march.

Little research I found just FYI hope it helps

2006-06-01T13:24:00.000-04:00

I was browsing websit blogs and came accross some diabetes stuff with children and type 1 so I figured I would spread the news incase it was missed. Just some FYI

ok how does this make you feel ?

2006-06-01T12:02:00.000-04:00

I was searching blogs and found this kinda pissed me off to and you ?

Who Knows more about the pump Me or the Doc?

2006-06-01T10:01:00.000-04:00

After reading Caren post about Dumbness and the ER. It got me thinking and how often I have been in the ER or Doc office and they ask Me how to use my pump??? I mean back when I used the Eugly pump (see above photo) I get if people where like huh?? but it is now 2006 and Doc still often look at me like huh? what is that? I mean as recent as Last Dec when I first found myself at Joslin,, I have met wonderful people do not get me wrong.. they know about Diabetes but when I was asked what is my Carb ratio or my sensitivity factor which I could not remember where to find it on my pump I handed it to the doc and said I don't know how to find it on here so I am not sure the Minimed helped me set it up. The Doc looked at me and said Umm I don't know how to find it either ???? now I was the one with HUH? on my face well let me tell you after that visit I educated myself on were to find it. I mean they have special nurses that are educated but I could not believe the doctor themselves (yes themselves 2 top docs could not help me find things on my pump) how is it that top docs that know so much about diabetes know so little about how to operate the pump? Most people are on the pump now Most children are on the pump it is the way to go for so many .. Doctors should know about this no? I find it so amazing that most times they ask me how to do something.. and I am depending on these people it scares me a bit God forbid I pass out or I am in a ER situation will someone know how to suspend my pump? will I have to arise from a coma state just to show them how to turn it off? Something to wonder no?

I am seeing a light at the end of my tunnel

2006-05-31T11:37:00.000-04:00

I have crossed all my fingers and my toes, prayed to every God that I know.. talked.. bitched.. wished.. hoped now I think my miracle is happening .. trying not to get to excited but I sure want to just sit and cry. I think there is a position opening well I know there is a position opening up for interpreter/assistant in the state of CT. What does this mean? if you have not read my posts about TBIWW and all the hell she has put me thro, even as of late where she has printed out my code of conduct and tried to say I was not following what I needed to follow and I am not doing my job. This position means I can get out of my Hell and enter into the light of something new yet still keep my benefits .. this has been the problem all along on why I could not quit I needed my benefits like any of us with a chronic illness with out benefits is like being on life support without a plug. So I am seeing the light at the end of my tunnel an sure hope this works out. I have already sent out my email on how highly interested I am, and the person that needs the interpreter said she wants me so things are looking up I hope...ahhh ! so I ask all of you to keep you fingers and toes crossed for me too this just has to happen.

Zippys Home

2006-05-29T22:16:00.000-04:00

Hallelujah !!! Zippy has found her way home .. after my last post of loosing her as a 25 year diabetic and feeling foolish to admit it I almost posted an ad with a reward ( kidding) but I could not possibly figure where she could have been left after paging all my friends where I had been and announcing to the world . at exactly 129AM while I was dancing my big booty in Manhattan, looking for some love ( no love found but great fun anyway) I see a message on my phone I listen and my Deaf friend ha ironic who speaks very well but can not hear me answer her left a message that was cut of so what I heard was "Jul-----F o n d---- Y're-----Blud----Thing --- Lokig----Fer ---- Call----- me ----Morn-- leave---early,

Well with my decoder brain on and to my surprise I knew she had found it but do not remember having Zippy there Alais I got home at 6 AM for NY and sent out a page to let me know when you can drop it off ,,, THANK GOD ! never thought I would miss her this much.

Ends up Zippy was found on the side of their couch while cleaning late they found it and I must have brought her in to test when I went to at their place last week and she must have fallen from my purse.. wow just glad to have her home again the old clunker I had would not have many strips left and I could not get the size battery for the other guy I have so whew!

Whoda thunk I would actually want to test so much!

Another kind of Birthday

2006-05-26T14:36:00.000-04:00

25 Years ago today my Mother brought me into see Doctor Westein pulling my arm with me in toe telling me everything was going to be ok... sitting on the big table as the Doctor tried to distract me with the rubber monsters he had in his cabinet.. nice try DOC ! I see the needle at the time the needle that looked like it was gonna stick KING KONG , "Just a little pinch Julie" yeah right ..Mom saying something about "you test her now and then if you tell me my daughter does not have Diabetes I will bring her home"... Sitting in the waiting room mom looked worried I was playing. Doctor comes in the BIG SIGH! "well it seems Julie has a Blood sugar of 500 . Please go home and get her packed and bring her to the hospital." I got my old fashioned black suitcase cuz I thought it was cool, and put all my barbie stuff in it and my mom comes in and laughs, "Honey you need to bring some cloths" shes been crying . We go to Bridgeport Hospital and I remember I was crying not because I would have to stay but because I was going to miss the Memorial day parade that my dad was in ( he is a retired motor cylce police officer) he would come down on his bike and I got to sit close and wave and see the clowns because my dad knew them personally cuz he was cool ! Mom said it would be ok and helped me look out the window to see if I could see any of the parade from the window. I couldn't they gave me arrow root cookies, and mash potatoes that looked like ice cream.. and green jello but just as I was about to eat it my mom took it and said WAIT... you're not suppose to have this kind. HUH? That is where I began to understand. 1 week later I was sent home. A scary time for my mom I am sure not that I am an adult to have to take this child home and keep her safe. Zuback and Arrowroot cookies where highlights of my day. I always did my own shots everytime mom tried she would make a funny face and I just could not deal I would say mom just give it to me ok.

Now 25 years later I sit here thinking how I got to the point where I started eating what I wanted that scared mom that was afraid for her daughter is still afraid but lets me live my life even when the choices have not been well. I think how I did not test for 2 years and just went according to the way I feel not by a number .. after 20 years I still had not accepted my diabetes so a therapist said? huh how it that ? Now I am lost with out my blood machine which by the way I managed to loose 3 days ago and can not find it anywhere .. how is that possible all the times I did not test and did not care now in 3 days I am lost I have looked everywhere how could I be so clumsy. I had it at a friends she said it is not there I looked in my car my house I have an old one so now I am tryin to get a battery but it needs a special one and Wallgreens did not have any last night .. ugh ! as I was about to Blog about how can a 24 year diabetic loose her blood machine .. I realize Whoa today I am a 25 year diabetic and I am still fighting ...

Ranting

2006-05-26T09:52:00.000-04:00

I don't have enough Drama in my life (note the eye roll) now I decided to start looking to buy a condo or a house or what ever my little bit of money can get me .. So as I start the process of a mortgage the guy calls me saying how I have 2 things on my credit report .. So I call the lousy credit card company that I owe and make a settlement they agree to fax me a letter so I can have proof and I agree to a check over the phone post dated May 31. What was I thinking? I told them I wanted the fax first but they said I had to give the check first, well when I arrived at work today there was no fax and now they have my info. I call the company they said they faxed 2 letters last night and I said well I did not get them. No if you reading this I know this is not such a big deal but in my world at the moment it is LOL I just want to get it cleared up and I sure hope they do not take the money before the 31st because I don't have the money in there then I am really screwed. Anyway so I started looking anyway on line and I have a Ravis guy I am using plan to look at some places soon.. I just told him that even though I do not have a lot of money I do not want to live in the Ghetto... if worst comes to worse I will stay where I am another year, Which I am suppose to sign a lease by June 30 so I decide NOW I should look what has gotten into me although I am know to work best under pressure.. in the meantime TBIWW is still causing trouble sending email to my boss say " don't tell Julie" but she did this this this which they know is not true and so she decides to print out My Code of Conduct from the national site just to prove herself right .. HA little does she know I know my Code of Conduct by heart and already checked everything before I reported her. She just will not stop she wants me fired then tries to be my friend and sends me an email stating how we need to get along cuz the clients are noticing ... I am like ok can you say MANIC I have chosen not to get on this roller coaster and reply to the email or react to her at all and it is driving her nuts .. so not she is getting vindictive and the bosses are noticing I just hope it does not fall into my lap I keep showing up doing my job but ughhhhh!

Anyway my house hunting has begun wish me luck. I will most likely be updating on what I have seen you should see how people live LOL well (scratching head) you should see how I live LOL

2006-05-22T21:49:00.000-04:00

WOW! is all I can say I had the opportunity last night to go and see the Lion King on stage at the Bushnell theater in Hartford CT .

It was so good I could not contain myself.. I brought my God daughter and she was just in amazement at 31/2 years old she sat there just staring and could not believe it for a while I forgot why I am involved in theater myself the excitement and noise the animals walking down the isles oh and how they made people the part of the costume it was amazing. I was breathe taken.

I was lucky enough to get a seat for a reasonable prize right up front see last night was an interpreted show and my friends did the interpreting how I am glad I was not interpreting so I could take it all in.. I was a kid in a candy shop.. at the end I bought a book and a Tshirt and a CD .. for me of course. Not to worry my God daughter got a T shirt too and she could not stop talking about it.. oh if you love theater even if you don't if it is in your town or you have an opportunity to go to New York you gotta see this Play.

2 Thumbs up!

Short Lived

2006-05-19T13:44:00.000-04:00

I know my last post was about 3 hours ago but I was looking through names and I think I got one that has hit me well ... my new pumps name is ..... Gideon which means powerful warrior. I like it, I like it! I know this was like an ADHD rant of posts but I appreciate all that imputed. So Welcome to Gideon my powerful warrior I sleep with hee hee . Sure hope he last.

Slim Shady sits down

2006-05-19T09:53:00.000-04:00

Well seems like the real Slim Shady did stand up but my Slim Shady (my pump) has sat down over the last two weeks I kept getting Motor Error come up I would correct it do a self test and it would work fine and my sugars have been running pretty ok. So as of last Friday when I woke for the 2nd time to a Motor Error message I put a call in to our faithful friends at Mini Med and she sent out a new blue pump. Got it on Monday and just made the change this morning. Feels a little weird not sure if I should rename my little friend or not? what do you think?

A question of sorts...

2006-05-17T14:47:00.000-04:00

I am wondering does an A1C from you finger tip read higher that an A1C from your arm ? I have been reading about all you people out there whose A1C are 7, 6 even 5 and when it jumps from 5 to 6 people freak out I can only dream that my A1C could hit 7 but my labs from the arm 2 months ago rang in at 8.3 my best and last visit 2 weeks ago my A1C was taken from my finger and rang in at 9 now I know some of it is me but can this be due to being taken from my finger tip? Come 'on support my dream people tell me this is true ? Girl dreaming again

Round 1 of Would you rather?

2006-05-16T15:49:00.000-04:00

I heard this on the radio and it is on the internet too play first
Would you rather I give you each your own choices or have an open blog post and all answer the same question?

Here is a start and then I will decide on round 2 by your comments :

Would you rather...hit every red light for the rest of your life........OR

always be wrong?

Have fun and make sure to answer with your choice and the reason why. Looking forward to the replies

Interview about MEME

2006-05-12T15:22:00.000-04:00

Nikkis questions to me

1. Tell me something about yourself that you think would surprise me -- and others.

I guess I pretty much see myself as an open book there is not much I am to shy or not able to talk about maybe that makes me unique or a pain in the ass ? I am not sure but I have learned especially in Deaf culture to just say things as you see it. One thing when I asked my friend what is surprising about me?She said that I paint not often not much but I do and the fact that I can go from being so busy and talking like a motor mouth, she said it was surprising that I could sit and be quiet to paint. Many friends say in order to get Julie to stop talking just put some crafts in front of her. I also can sing, I usually only sing to friends I do often get asked to go sing if we are out with a band when asked but I am always afraid I will forget the words :-) so I usually back out but am told I have a beautiful voice and not just in the shower.

2)What famous piece of art work (painting,photo,book ) best represents you? Why?

I think for artwork I would have to say Maureen Love I often find her prints in marshals and I have several it is often pictures of nature with pathways like a river or there is on I have that is a closeup of a weeping tree that you look past and there is a lake this often makes me think of the journeys that lie ahead. They are peaceful to me and something I am always searching for is peace.

My favorite book is "Where the heart is" just getting lost in something about falling in love makes me happy I try to read all different books to help improve my vocabulary since English and myself do not do well together.

3) if you could only eat three things for the rest of your life(no dietary limitations) -what would those three things be and why? Tell me the same thing about three drinks.

Woo Hoo no limitations I would choose McDonald's french fries because they make me happy with salt and ketchup. a 12oz fat juicy steak ( none of this 3 oz pull the scale out crap) with ketchup of course. and Cheese I love cheese and I miss cheese now that I can not have as much as I use too all kinds cheddar, Cracker Barrel New York style, gorganzola cheese in salad, cheese with pepperoni, American cheese on scrabbled eggs YUM.. ok oh boy I love food let me stop now. oh but can I add onion rings? I know I know three things oh boy this is hard .

Now drinks I love Ice cold Diet coke, Ice tea, and Lemonade in the summer time, but when my sugar is low nothing takes as good as a chocolate shake.

4) How long have you been signing? Is signing much like talking for you now---something you do without even thinking about it ?Have you ever not been able to understand someone trying to communicate with you in sign language? if so please tell me about it.

Ah now this is a wam packed question so I will try to keep it in simple terms.
First I started learning how to sign (not interpret) when I was 14 years old my friend and I wanted to learn how to sign so we could cheat in high school. Yes sad but true. My friend ended up not taking the class but I did and was able to take it for free at my local catholic center because I helped with their special need socials so instead of getting paid I got to take a class.
I remember buying a small pocket dictionary and walking around signing the ABC and M-Y N-A-M-E I-S J-U-L-I-E . Not knowing where I would be today. My first teacher was Ben he was deaf and he would pass out sentences to sign.. my first sentence said "Come visit me" so I stood up to give it a shot in class took a deep breathe and signed my sentence..Ben tried to hover a laugh and said "no Julie visit is signed like this"... and he showed me. I asked "what did I sign" he waved me off and said never mind just remember to sign visit like I showed you. I said ok but was still stubborn about finding out what I actually said. My friend Char arrived to class later and I showed her what I did and she started to laugh, I said "Come 'ON tell me ". she looked me dead in the face and said" Julie you just told Ben to fuck you." I nearly DIED! Sat down red faced and continued on. This is common for beginners but embarrassing just the same.
I then took Bens class again when I was 16 and just dabbled a little in learning. I graduated from High School non the wiser of sign. I then went to a local community college to take early childhood education knowing I was not that book smart still not realizing how VISUAL I am went for 8 weeks struggled to get thro and hated it.. Decided to quit and work full time. So as I was standing behind the ROY ROGERS counter serving Chicken to the next customer I KNEW this was not what I wanted to do forever and I was getting no where. I wanted a career so one day my mom called me and said "Jul, what about going to school for sign language" " You can do that?" I answered. So my mom and I called The American School For the Deaf in West Hartford CT and asked, that led me to a college in Winsted CT ( if you ever find yourself in that town, TURN AROUND AND GO HOME! do not stop do not pass GO do not collect 200 dollars) small hick town I lived there for 4 years and took my sign classes taking English and Math 2 times passing sign with A's..
It was there I learned the difference between sign language and interpreting, you can learn a sign for any word ( well most) you can spell it out you can put small sentences together but to actually be an interpreter your actually taking what us "hearing" people say and figuring out the concepts and then translating that into sign..There are different styles of signing (ASL,PSE) there is a whole other culture to learn their mannerisms to us would seem rude to them is acceptable. for example if two people are standing across from each other and talking in our culture if you walk between them that is considered rude. In Deaf culture it is acceptable and can be done. Deaf people do not beat around the bush the will tell you how it is and it is considered cultural.
now you asked if signing is much like talking now, yes it is Although if I try to talk and sign at the same time something happens you either drop a verbal word and sign it so a hearing person can get lost or you drop a sign and talk and the deaf person is lost so I find it is best to pick one language at a time if I want to speak in a meeting I will request another interpreter to come and sign for me. if I choose to sign I will have that interpreter come and voice for me depending on who my audience is. When I took my practicum hours I remember my mentor saying how she can plan her shopping list in her head while interpreting a abnormal phyc class, I thought how the hell do you do that ? now 10 years into it I might not plan my shopping list but I can think of other things as I am feeding information out if it is a simple topic. If someone says What? I notice I want to pick up my hands and sign to them. Sign language is great in bars to talk and not have to yell. it is great thro windows, it is wild to read someone's lips across the room and know what they are saying depending on their lips.
You asked have I ever not been able to understand someone that is signing to me .. I would have to answer EVERYDAY.. This is part of the interpreting process I need to know when to stop and clarify if someone is from a different state they may have a different sign for a word that I know from CT same sign language but variations on words. Most of my clients are mentally challenged so when you add that to being deaf it makes things more complex. If a job is more than 2 hours there should be 2 interpreters working together tag teaming every 20 to 30 mins and then that person can be your back up if you don't understand or miss something you can lean in and get a "fee" there is so much to know.
The most important thing with my Job I think is to stay humble, be able to laugh and yourself, know that you will make mistakes, this takes years of practice and being able to admit Hey I am human if I can leave a job I ask myself this Did anyone get hurt? Did I get the message across clearly ? Did I do the best I can? if I can answer and feel ok with how things turned out I can sleep at night. Many times I have lost sleep I have cried because as interpreters we see wonderful things like a birth of a baby for a deaf family. and we see terrible things like DCF taking children away. We are at strangers funerals, and strangers weddings. We are not Deaf but understand their culture and that is a big risk for one person to take to divulge and trust that the person that is moving their mouth in front of them is saying what they want to say,we don't want to steal the thunder of the speaker but we are their so they can be heard. I consider myself lucky the other night one of my friends that happens to be deaf told me that she just sees me as Julie as one of them even though I can hear, this is an honor because most people that are hearing and accepted that highly in the community are children born hearing to deaf parents. So the there are days that my job gets frustrating the friends and new found culture is always fascinating to me.

5)Have you had any interesting, funny, or perplexing dreams lately? If so,tell me about it if not tell me about any dreams you've had lately.

Hmm I usually dream a lot and remember all of them but as of late I had a odd dream that I was actually waking up from sleeping but I was still sleeping and my cat G was laying on my bed then I looked at the window sill and she was sitting there and I wondered how she got from the bed to there so fast, then I turned and there was more of her same cat and then all of a sudden I was in my parents basement looking to see how these cats got in and there was a hole in the ceiling and they just kept jumping down and coming in not being mean at all but I remember freaking out because I could not find the real G and I did not now how I was going to find her and get rid of these other cats. then as I looked thro the sea of cats I found my G she was fatter then the other cats. then I woke up Weird I know.

Learn Something New Everyday...

2006-05-08T09:44:00.001-04:00

Ok I am all for learning something new everyday .. so here is what I found out well it was a few days ago but who is counting.. you know all those nice friendly people in the dentist office that take your teeth impressions and pass tools to the dentist while they are working on you.. you only have to take a 13 week class to become one of those people and from what I understand you start out at 17-18 dollars an hour.. HELLO kinda scary if you ask me not sure if I want them workin on my teeth. I have seen this class and not all were ready sure hope the teacher noticed.. hmm maybe I should change careers being that my current one is giving me a headache. Just a little tid bit people found it interesting.

The Watch List

2006-05-05T11:26:00.000-04:00

This is what Joslin told me I am, I have been put in a NEW special program that is for High risk,or watched person that could become high risk.

How happy am I ?

this is just great not only did my a1c go to 9 from 8.3

I gained 4 lbs now I would not have even cared about that if my a1c had not been 9.

So they have started this new program and lucky me I am a winner and was put there so I will have a whole team of people to work with. I know this is great in one aspect and I have people to review with and talk to on what to do or what to try but to be called a WATCHER ugh means I am in danger. I mean it is one thing to know this but another to say it out loud.

Like Scott said in his post about logging I am not good at that at all just taking time out of the day to write down every morsel I often eat on the go and don't have time to pull over and do this.

I think half the reason for my sugars in stress I try to take deep breaths and just stay calm but the work situation I am in is near next to impossible.

I am now being brought in for investigation because TBIWW (The Bitch I Work With)

is stating that I pushed her a year ago and she wants me fired ! she met with my bosses 2 days ago and they are bringing her up on disciplinary actions so guess who she is using as a default?

you got it ME! All her problems are because of Mua ! When half the stuff she is being called on I was not even there. I have so much power I have now been accused of putting her in therapy (because she has to learn how to deal with me) putting her on zolof (again to deal with me) and she is so depressed that she can not get out of bed. I make her shake and nervous.. she is afraid of me. WOW

My boss is on my side and it will all work out I know but in the mean time the stress of being accused and just having to keep a straight face and not say a word is awful!

I want to just become the street smart girl I grew up as a bitch slap her.

Gee I am not too stress out! hmm

anyway so now Joslin has me on this Watch list and I just hope I can move to a winners circle.

Me not being myself ...... Part 2

2006-04-27T11:26:00.000-04:00

As I said in my past post with my job I am not suppose to be Julie and so I have been trying not to add any of my opinions that usually show up on my face at all and just be me BUT I got some news from my job where I am called the STRANGLER that I also wrote about in a past post.. NOW I just have to be me and LAUGH OUT LOUD at what this BITCH has managed to do everyday there is a new story and people come up to me and tell me things.. DOES SHE NOT LEARN that I have friends and the words get back to me ... ok here it is

Last week from what I understand her highness called out sick and then came in with her mother ... yes I said her MOTHER she is 34 year old professional and she brought her MOMMY in to talk to the union ,,, yes the UNION about me. ( god I have so much power) anyway the union rep (who is my friend) came to me and said be careful and do not be in the room alone with her because she is accusing you of blah blah blah... HOLY SHIT!

Does it never end! I mean I deal with highly crazy people all day long I guess I also work with them,
They meaning, princess and her MOTHER met with the top supervisors of my department to talk about ME!... ME! which I did not know about until today.

At first I was concerned because I did not know if she has a right to call in the ADA American Disabilities Act. To state that she is not getting her needs met which any Disabled person can claim, true or not.. because A) I have been doing my job B) I have never refused her to interpret anything and C) God is not that cruel after 2 and /2 years of Hell to have it all come crashing down on me like this.

Now the story I got today from my supervisor who is on my side Thanks GOD! told me in private that yes she did bring in her MOTHER... and met with 2 top people and she was not embarrassed at all which he was surprised and her MOTHER said that she was not there as her MOTHER but as her union support because her mother use to be a social worker for my agency and she has a little clout. SO apparently Princess called out of work sick and she had gotten very depressed and would not get out of bed So her MOTHER went over there and had to pull her out of bed and bring her into work and she wanted to quit (YEAH!) but her MOTHER brought her in to talk and see what could be done.

Now my supervisor told me not to worry because she is continuously getting written up and has a lot of pressure put on her and no one is looking for me to leave but they are looking for her to leave.. but being that this is a state job it takes a lot so either we A) keep pushing and hope she quits or B) wait until January when her 2 evaluation comes out and then she will have 2 unsatisfactory evals and they can fire her with out worry of her retaliation.
Now I have been working Monday -Saturday til 10 pm to just switch my jobs I need to get a total of 20 hours with the other agency to keep my benefits which we all know how important that is. So Here I am in work tryin to not be myself but Highly agitated and Highly entertained by the stuff that goes on around me .. to think that I have the power to make someone so depressed they can not get out of bed and have to go to therapy HELLO folks her MOTHER is a SOCIAL WORKER do you not see that YOUR DAUGHTER had ISSUES and their not from me. ugh if they try to pull that this is my fault I have 2 years worth of doctors bills that I had to go to due to the stress the I have had and it has affected my health, sugar, eyes but I don't bring my MOMMY in to fight my battles .. WHO DOES THAT ? I have never in all my years of being in the professional world ever seen anyone bring in there MOMMY to help them out ... I am wide eyed and mouthed opened over here.

What Da.......?

2006-04-26T14:54:00.000-04:00

This is exactly what I said when I walked by this display in a local college where I work HUH? I just started cracking up and needed to share I thought about sending it to the local paper and saying "Local College Teaching Topless Culinary" I found this so odd

I was told that they ran out of jackets and so left the display up ! just a little giggle.

Was it a sign or a test.....?

2006-04-21T11:44:00.000-04:00

Well the last 2 weeks I am struggling with these damn numbers again eating the right thing still seeing 300s and 400s taking 15 units of insulin after a site change AND 5 units by injections and only coming down to 220. So why should last night be any different right ? Right so I might as well just give up ? ( ok I know it was my unreasonable mind egging me on ) but you know I am the girl that dreams.

Anyway I had made the decision to have a hot dog and fries for lunch I had not done that in a while I counted the carbs took the dose ate it and did not allow myself to feel guilty... just enjoyed the splurge ready to get back up on the horse for dinner.. so 3pm rolls around I test thinking I think I did this right well WRONG! rang in at 330 ugh so I think ok Jul maybe y ou counted the carb wrong but I looked it up and all blah blah so I decide to get a chicken Caesar salad from duchess no carb but the croutons counted them took the dose thinking ok this has got to be ok I even took more than the pump said incase there was a hidden carb I might have over looked. Seems now a days I can pump myself full of insulin and not a low in sight... SO I am still hungry after the salad but it is ok I said you had you hot dog now just suffer through. ok so 8 pm rolls around I am still hungry well beyond hungry ( I will blame PMS today ) so I test 332 ????????????????? yeah ok what the hell give in and just eat what you want!!! yeah the brain is working hard at the same time I am listening to " a million little pieces" hmm all about addiction and he is talking about the sweat and how he wants to use and I am passing a McDonald's and thinking how much I want to use but realize. I am doing good but now I am thirsty and I thought maybe if I take my Metformin that I forgot it will bring my sugar down SO.

I pull into McDonald's drive through Yeah I like to torture myself, go up to the robotic mic and say " Large Diet coke please" I smell the hamburgers and fries and just order that I am free and clear I did not stop drove to the window handed my 2 dollars to the clerk and drove up where hmm the girl hands me my diet coke and a bag of food I continue to drive knowing that I did not order anything .. So I am thinking it is a sign means I can eat it right ?? so I ate it the addiction took over again I did not fight it I ate it ! but as I slowly arrived home and the guilt hit and the nausea set in I realized yet again the addiction I can not escape, dosed myself with insulin and I did go on the exercise machine for 10 min about all I could do.. Why does this monster live inside me and there are times it can not be ceased.

I woke to a 145 number and thanked God and realize I have to figure out a way to tame the beast I can say it is not peeking as much as before but do I just give in and move on? do I hate myself for letting it beat me? do I love myself for being weak and human? I sure hope I can figure this out in time to get it right .......

I could not resist

2006-04-20T14:55:00.000-04:00

I know I just posted but I could not resist doing this right away good times people

I AM: not being bothered at work a nice change.

I Want: my other job to pull thro so I can get out of my current situation see "The Strangler" blog

I Wish: for strength everyday.

I Hate: stupid people :-)

I Miss : My Nan, Kissing, Laughing so hard my stomach hurts

I Hear : The New PINK album such a good one

I Wonder: when I will find love

I regret: not taking better care of myself sooner

I am not : going to allow D to beat me

I Dance: in my car, all night when I can, like a SuperStar hee hee

I Sing : Beautifully, especially indigo girls songs

I cry : at hallmark commercials, and authority

I am not always: gentle to myself

I make with my hands: Conversation, Music, Scarves, scrapbooks, Cards, Crafts

I Write: like a 2 year old ( oh the English language and me do not mix well) but have imagination

I confuse: others when I talk to fast

I should: take a vacation

I start: several projects at once, books and don't finish, cleaning and end up with nothing clean.

I finish: often with a joke

I tag anyone that has read this :-)

Not suppose to be myself....Part 1

2006-04-20T10:44:00.000-04:00

I am an Equal opportunity, I am an access, I am needed but not suppose to be a helper,I am a voice for someone else but not allowed to have my own voice, I have a skill that a lot do not have but if I am praised it is looked upon as taking the thunder of the person I am using my skill for. I am suppose to leave my crap at home and just be a vessel of knowledge that is being provided by someone else. Interesting career I have picked huh? Though most people are star struck when they see someone moving their hands and to find out that person can hear AND do this is often amazing to most human eyes. This I get I was there I was wide eyed and eager to learn and still am but now that it has become a career there is so much people do not see, for example:

The Scene: A conference with a panel ( I found out about this 30 mins before it began) the panel consist of 2 hearing people 2 Deaf professionals the topic "abuse and deaf children" how to interview if it happens?
Sounds interesting right ?
What the interpreter is thinking "Will I understand what the deaf person is signing and be able to make then sound as intelligent as they actually are" it is one thing to see a sign and put a word to it but here in front of me I have a highly educated person that went to graduate school, has a degree more than one, I have no degree so will my English language be enough? Yes I understand what I see but can I pick the right word to make this person sound as smart as they are?

Hearing panalist stand up to speak people assume I just take the words and match them to signs this is not the case as the interpreter I look out into these sea of faces with questionable expressions on their faces waiting to see what this mouth moving human is going to say they are depending on my hands to give them the message that is so important for them to understand. Will I be understood? Will I understand what is being said so I can translate it into a visual language of mime and pictures for the mix level of education that is staring back at me.

The Mouth moving human speaks it enters my ears my brain the File opens sure hope it is filled with info and signs, the bead of sweat down the middle of my back all eyes on me. "when a child is abused it is not always easy to get information from them, then when you add deafness to that the child has an added barrier" I raise my hands I produce what I hope is enough.. I am nervous but as they say "never let them see you sweat" supportively yet quietly talk myself into not running out of the room ( stay here you have a job to do just breathe you understand it is ok keep going use your co workers to help you don't loose it now) I hear Charlie browns mother WA WAWAWA WA WA, I compute I sign. the mouth moving human is done I tag team my partner and sit down and breathe.

The FEEDBACK, one thing you can always count on with Deaf people is thier blunt honesty and need to give you feedback to help you improve.. the good thing is if they take the time to talk to you then you have the skill, you might have "Potential " for many years but you have something they like. If they do not take the time to talk to you and help you improve then basically there is no care. Harsh? maybe, but if you sit watch listen to them your accepted, if you say " but" I did my best "but" I want to do better.. you are viewed as if you looking for approval.. A lot to think about right ? One feedback I got even though I have been doing this for 10 years I still have room to grow and something I have not been able to master. is NOT to be Julie while I am interpreting. Even though Julie is the one who is hearing the info, Julie is the one signing the Info, Julie is the one sweating her ass of to make sure the info is understood. I should not be Julie how does this work? It is a matter of "leaving you crap in the car" ( I think this should be the name of a book) I am expected to not bring any of my insecurities into the job.
Just enter and be the interpreter become the person that is talking, become the voice of a stranger.
My challenge has now begun .....

I wonder

2006-04-19T23:39:00.000-04:00

What would life be like if every time I picked up a piece of food even a crumb I did not have to think how many carbs? how many fats ? how many units?

What would life be like if every time I hear something beep I grab my waist and look quickly at Slim Shady to make sure he is ok?

What would life be like if numbers did not matter?

What would life be like if every time I see a little black floater grow or become snake like or even bat away a small gnat that really is not there?

What would life be like if I did not have to relate how I am feeling to how well my blood sugars where this week?

What would life be like if every time I leave the house I did not have to say blood machine CHECK extra insulin CHECK treatment for lows CHECK extra Batteries CHECK site change CHECK?

What would life be like if I only had to go to the doctor when I was sick or had a cold?

What would life be like if people did not ask should you be eating that ?

What would life be like if my stomach did not have little left over red dots from needles?

What would life be like if I did not have insurance ?

What would life be like if I did not have to have cataract surgery at the age of 32"

What would life be like if I did not have to worry about long term complications ?

What would life be like if I had NONE OF THIS TO WORRY ABOUT!?

What would life be like If?

Ahhh

2006-04-19T00:04:00.000-04:00

My computer is back in action I did not realize how much I missed it .. it had all these viruses and I knew it was al little slow but it got to the point where it would not let me do anything and I would come home and have new Icons on my screen of stuff I never even looked at .. for a while I was like ummm o0okkaayy is someone coming into my house while I am out ?? but low and behold it was the damn virus's anyway now I can blog at night woo hoo I have a sidekick II but my thumbs where cramping up and it would not allow me to post my blog.. anyway I am rambling because I am excited to have my old fathful back so I can read blogs all weekend and not have to wait to get back to work to catch up :-)

Any one ever hear of this ?

2006-04-18T11:21:00.000-04:00

I have to admit I do watch American Idol on and off ... but I guess I missed the part where Elliot a type one diabetic with a pump I think.. Talked about Diabetic and their teeth? How they are similar or something ? did anyone ever hear of this ? because now my friend was staring at my teeth and said they looked like Elliots lol.. I have just never heard of this ? Anyone ?

In My Heart

2006-04-12T09:19:00.000-04:00

You Don't Have To Be Perfect To Belong In this Place

You Don't Have To Have All the Answers, Or Always

The Right Thing To Say.

You Can Climb The Hightest Mountain If You Want,

Or Quietly Imagine That You Might Someday.

You Can Take Chances Or Take Safety Nets, Make Miricales

Or Make Mistakes.

You Don't Have To be Composed At All Hours To be

Strong Here.

You Don't Have To Be Bold, Or Certian To Be Brave.

You Don't Have To Have All the Answers Here Or Even

Know Who You Want to Be.

Just Take My Hand And Rest Your Heart And Stay A While

With Me.

Authour unknown

To all my blogger friends found this on a card and just matches how thankful I am for you and hope to be there for you as well.

If only....

2006-04-09T13:38:00.000-04:00

ok I know people mean well and they think they are doing you a favor but I really wish they wouldn't. I smile nicely and say yeah, I know, but it does not make me feel better... it happened again I was at a family party and my aunt said "if only you lost 50 lbs the guys would flock to you" "if only you loose weight you would be so pretty" "if only you could see by loosing the weight you will feel so much better" Well as far as health goes I get that .. but why am I not pretty enough now ? Why does that comment take away years of therapy and bring me right back to being 16 and not good enough huh? I self talk I try to accept myself for who I am I tell myself everyday that I am enough just the way I am. I try to be as healthy as possible . ok Yes I should not care what others think, but when you're single and 33 years old and really wanting to meet a decent guy this just makes me wonder. I am still Julie no matter what size and I want someone to love me for who I am . I struggle every day to just feel like I fit in the world at times. I wish I could thank my family for caring but what I really want to say is SHUT THE HELL UP! but I don't out of respect please tell me I am not alone in this? Others have felt this way? I sure hope so.

The Strangler

2006-04-07T13:37:00.000-04:00

Yes this is my new name according to my co- worker I can not believe it just when I thought I was letting go of the stress she has caused me for 2 years it all comes filtering back... meaning I have not really let it go SHIT ! I wrote about a co worker that give me hell awhile ago.. and we had gotten into an argument at work and I went to go into her office and she blocked me and then closed my foot in the door. Well she has now managed to tell every Deaf person in Mass. and Ct that I STRANGLED her and how she is afraid of me!!! PULEASE I have never touched anyone in my life and she is just playing a pitty party. She told people how I took my hand and put them around her neck and that she reported me .. I told my supervisor that this has to stop! for 2 years I have put up with her crap. My supervisor told me not to worry because if I did do that I would have been arrested and when I spoke to HR they said that she did make a complaint but that I had two supervisors back me up and say that this was not true. It is just the point how is it that people can just come out and LIE I mean luckily this person does not have any clout or my career would have been ruined with it. In the Deaf community if someone black balls your name your basically thru and can not get a job, lucky for me I have Deaf friends and they have more clout then this BITCH and so they straighten it out for me, but how is it that people can make things up I mean I work with metally ill people all day and they make more sense then this BITCH... ugh ! I just had to vent because it is not the fact of getting angry it is the fact that with this damn disease if you angry you could get a high sugar. I try to calm myself but it would be nice to just be allowed to get angry and not have to think about diabetes too but Nooooo you have to think about both so I figure if I type it out maybe that will help ! UGH UGH AND UGH!

SURPRISE!!!

2006-04-05T13:31:00.000-04:00

As I took off for Brookline Mass this past Saturday I popped in my recent book on CD "The perks of being a Wall flower" cute book, this is my new obsession people books on CD I am always driving all over the place it keeps life interesting. I find myself in a sweat when I am ending a book and don't have another one to start. Does this mean I will have to go to "BA"(books anonymous) ha ha common people laugh with me that was funny. OK maybe not so much! Anyway, so arriving I ended up having to share a hotel room with my PARENTS ugh! because I did not have enough to get my own room at 200 dollars a night. Although as my father was walking around in his UNDERWEAR I thought to my self GOD I should have socked some money away this is a visual I did not want to have in my memory bank.
We took a Cab to the smokehouse where my brothers where coming in about 730ish. all their friends and family was there. It was set up that my brothers friend Steve was visiting under the assumption that he was going to bring his son to the circus the following day. So then Steve suggested that he really felt like eating Ribs and did my brother know of a good place. At that point my brother said " hey why don't we go to the smokehouse" well my sister in law said she had to leave the room she was laughing so hard because she was trying to figure out how she was going to get the boys there for their party. The plan was laid out. We all where downstairs in the room and my sister in law had pictures of the boys blown up from when they where young and had them all over the walls.. then she went upstairs to meet the boys and Steve and his wife and said they are seating them downstairs she them called me on my cell just to give the heads up! In they walk SURPRISE!!!! My brother Chris Blushed something he never does so we knew we got him... my brother Jeff just all wide eyed so we knew we got him too. Chris strolls over to me and just looks at me and says " how did this happen" I just laughed and said we finally got you ! He is a tough one to get. So it was a night of fun and laughter and Steve got his ribs they served that as a meal. Chris and Jeff got surprised and now my little brothers are not so little anymore :-)

Charmed

2006-03-30T09:26:00.000-05:00

I used to watch Charmed faithfully every Sunday without interruptions. I recently purchased season 1,2 and 3 I only like the ones with Pru in it, now I have found my self warped back into addiction . As I finished up the first season and started the second I thought of something which made me laugh. These 3 witches have a hidden secret that has them working 2 full time jobs one that keeps them looking normal and one fighting demons and saving innocent people. Kinda like us trying to live our lives as normal as possible and carry out everyday life stuff. The other fighting our own demons with diabetes. Giving us 2 full time jobs one that is not visible unless shown. By the end of the day when we have conquered the demons sometimes just but a twist of fate sometimes with ease. I smiled at how when Pru,Phebe, or Piper vanquish a demoned and if it goes smoothly they look at eachother and say " that was too easy" only to find that it was not vanquished at all but comes back full force, strange to compare these 2 things but I find that to be part of my day at times as well, just when I think I have nipped the big D in the butt it rears its evil head with a high blood sugar for no reason or a low that comes out of no were to knock me down I then have to go back to the "book of shadows" to come up with another potion. Then after a long days work I am tired and take a deep breathe in order to fight my demons another day. This just gave me a giggle on how much I could relate to these 3 charmed ones :-) and wish I had the power to move my sugar level with a touch of a hand, or freeze my a1c at 6 or even the premonition to see if a high sugar lies ahead. Then again I wish I had the power of three to fight my demons as well . Ahh a girl dreaming again :-)

Don't you wish ....

2006-03-25T17:23:00.000-05:00

I know I do, as i sit here at work as I woke up at 302 blood reading this AM had my cereal and took my dose, and 3 hours later found myself still at 326 changed my site ate a salad for lunch cut my carb in half amd yet now it is is dinner time and I am 416? I have decided to delay my dinner til 7 pm and hope this wll help but I have done all I can. I just wish this magic button was for real just a press away from Easy and poof it is fixed .. oh well a girl can dream can't she ?

SHHHH it's a Surprise!

2006-03-24T10:13:00.000-05:00

MY BABY BROTHERS ARE TURNING 30 yes ladies and gentleman my little brothers born April 7th 1976 8.5 lbs and 9lbs YES my mother had 17.5 lbs of baby inside her I was 3 1/2 and these two creatures came home... I poked and and stared what where these two things that came out of mommys belly ? They pooped they peed the puked! I had to have one crib in my room UGH! and one in Mom and Dad's until they added on their room. I did not get all the attention anymore how dare they! As they grew people could not believe how different they were for twins. I just thought they where double trouble for sure. Each would stand on either side of me and take a ponytail and pull me across the room MMMOOOOMMMMM! was all I learned how to say. Trips to the cape fights, laughs, They never took me serious, coming home from school and finding my brothers jumping from the garage roof into our 5 foot above the ground pool. Thank God they made it though. Now Chris is a consultant in Boston and not 2 years after he moved to Boston Jeff followed they could not stay apart it is amazing. Jeff a Chef at Tomaso's and married ( I always thought I would be first) oh well but now they are turning the big 3- 0 oh how I remember that just 3 and 1/2 years ago.I myself turned 30 and Hated every min. I even thru myself a 29th birthday bash just so I did not have to admit I turned 30 lol. So this April fools eve my sister in law is having a surprise party for the both of them at the smokehouse Where my brother Jeff asked her on their first date and she said I waited a year for you to ask me out. It should be a good time. I just can not get over how my little brothers who use to share my bed because they where scared are now 30 wow! Happy birthday Bros! I love you. SIS

Ode to Bloodwork

2006-03-23T13:40:00.000-05:00

Well after Slim and I had a miracle last Wednesday, the ever so lovely blood work results came yesterday with a lovely letter (note the sarcasm) I thought I could get away with eating better and better sugars so I stopped taking the lipitor because it was making me nauseas. Well my dream bubble was shattered when I saw that my LDL where back up to 133 (they want it under 100) not to bad but I had gotten down to 69 on the lipitor so looks like I might have to take it again. My A1C was 8.3 now I know last December I was 10.6 then down to 8.4 But to only drop to 8.3 ugh! I thought my bloods where better but looks like I have to be even more stricter and back to eating the same stuff. Seems if I venture even a slightest and in the range of what I am allowed to eat things do not work .. Daily it seems like
Breakfast = 2 slices of bread at 15 carbs a slice
2 tsp of peanut butter
. 1/2 of banana

Lunch= Salad with 3 ounces of shrimp or chicken oil and vinegar
piece of bread or croutons counted

3pm snack = 10 carb of something

Dinner = veggies with 3 ounces of chicken minced garlic and lemon

10pm snack = Low carb ice cream bar or pudding = to 15 carb

if I try to do something different I get no where I maybe can alter like the type of bread or maybe cereal instead of my usual breakfast but anything more and I seem to get a wrong sugar and I am not loosing weight anymore I stopped now at 25 seems I am not doing something right which then leads to relapsing for me .. I am tryin to remain positive and we shall see the next round of bloods and how it goes .

My miracle looked like a Dollar

2006-03-22T09:51:00.000-05:00

OK Folks I am not a big God person but this gave me the chills. SlimShady and myself took a trip to Boston last Wednesday to meet with the Renal Doctor..All is ok for now and he said I will have to stay on low protein and low sodium for the rest of my life.. I try to tell myself it is just a day at a time because when I say forever it freaks me out. So we arrive safely park the car get upstairs where I am told I owe 550$ because my education level on my insurance is maxed out? I am looking into that as we speak. Anyway my name is called I meet with Doctor Keldany(sp) I like him right away he is very good at calling you back if you have a question and he sat with me to explain everything and how it works. Slim and I are pleased. Upon leaving I am thinking not to bad usually I do not drive to Boston alone but so far all is good. WELL I spoke to soon I leave Joslin and head back the way I came down to Storrow Dr. looking for 90W I am suppose to meet my brother off of Exit 12 at his restaurant (Tomaso's bye the way) and give him his suit that he left at my parents. I get on Sturrow and now when it splits I take the downtown Boston exit because I did not know where to go and it came up quick.I know all you people that know Boston have you hand to your forehead already. So now I am on Rt 1 North and I know I am suppose to be going South Soo I call my brother he is like well turn around.. OK this is IMPOSSIBLE because there is no where to turn around and now I am on 93 E oh I don't know where the hell I am but, THEN realize my gas is on E and I am gonna be in more trouble that just being lost so I get off where it says gas station.. in between I am yelling at my poor brother and he is telling me to relax but in the mean time all these exits are coming at me and he can not tell me where to go...He said get off the next exit I was like that exit said CONCORD NH yeah no! so I get off the one after that and NOW I am on 60E my brother can not tell me where I am I see a sign that says Malbron Mass and my brother is not familiar with that ok.. So taking a deep breathe I get gas ask if anyone knows how to get me to 93 W which will them lead me to 90 W my brother said.Thankfully a woman directed me the right way and I was doing ok. I then am in this long tunnel and realize I have my sunglasses on and can not see but need my regular glasses. As I reach for then and try to make a Batman switch they ever so nicely slip from my fingers, and fall to the floor .. GGRREEAATTT! I am now just driving in the dark and hoping I am right when I come out of the tunnel. Thankfully I was.. I realize now that I have not eaten and it is going on 3 pm so I was not low but I definitely was not sane either. At this point people are cutting me off I am just done with being lost for an hour and ready to go home. I get to the toll and there is an accident and this guy then tries to cut me off WHILE he is looking at the accident HELLO. I then look toward the big man in the sky and yell! " CAN YOU GIVE ME A BREAK!" No sooner did I say that I pulled up to Toll booth Willy and rolled down my window with my dollar, he says "she got you" " huh?" I look at him dumbfounded " The girl in that car paid your toll" Oh hmm ? cool and as I slowly drive off I feel obligated to look up to the big guy in the sky again and say Thank You . I had goose bumps and was calm the rest of the way home. As I type this out and think about it there really was no need for me to get all excited but you ever just are DONE! with something and things seem so big ! maybe it is just me.. anyway my miracle looked like a dollar. and I will Pay it Forward!

Testing

2006-03-22T09:25:00.000-05:00

I typed a whole blog the other day and it would not publish and then I lost half of it ugh typed it out 3 times what is going on?

So I was thinking...

2006-03-10T13:47:00.000-05:00

What is it with self sabotage? I mean I know I can succeed yet I seem to have the fear of Succeeding NOT the fear of failing, Go figure. I get moving on a plan follow and do as I am told. YET, as soon as I see some success I slowly start to go back to doing what I know got me here in the first place. I have now lost 25 lbs and you know that is great I remember just wishing to loose 10lbs. I should be THRILLED! JUMPING FOR JOY! ECSTATIC! am I ? I seem to feel nothing??? What the hell is that ? who does that? I mean it is like I know this is not going to last so don't get too excited because you will just be disappointed in the end. I lost 70lbs before (on phen-fen) and I SAVED my fat cloths afraid that it would come back and ya know what IT DID! What is wrong with accepting and being happy at where I have come, why can I not stay there? I was eating right doing what I need to do my numbers are coming down, then I slowly notice I am telling myself oh one will not hurt or finding "corners" to cut like I can not have sodium so I found these unsalted chips and salsa that taste GREAT! but this does not mean I can eat a half a bag ! even if I do count the carb .. HELLO ! I know it sounds like I am hard on myself but it seems I just have to be in order to stay on task. Some how I manage to take the good and turn it into the bad. How is this normal. I am a strong woman and people tell me how brave I am but you know what I watch TV and see people with Chronic illnesses and how they are accepting and able to tell there family in the worst case senario that is ok to let them go and to live on. I feel selfish how I don't know if faced with death if, I could leave this world comfortably. Don't get me wrong I want to live and I am young and hope I have a lot of years ahead of me but I am finding I am not the person I thought I would be. I thought as strong as I am I am talented and funny and have a great heart. Yet I am selfish thinking I don't want to be faced with all this stuff.. I ignored my diabetes for a long time I did the minimum to stay above water.. Now faced with possible dialysis ( well I am told not for a long time) but the thought of it I said OK I will take the Bull by the horns and get a handle on this. Which means I am at the Foot doctor, Eye doctor, Therapy, Shrink, Primary care, Joslin with all the appointments I have it ends up being weekly and this is all to MAINTAIN. this is not me being sick or down with something and have to go to the doctor this is all to stay well.. I mean I do it but i feel like GOOD GOD ! what else. Seems I have to keep adding doctors , I try to have a normal life and go out and have fun and I work a lot and I have a full life and do enjoy myself but with all this added stuff. THIS is why it was easier to ignore. but Ignoring is is easy and I am not one to take the easy road. So, I do the doctor runs I miss work a lot this year and that is one thing I worry about but damn diabetes is it own full time job. I know we all feel this way from time to time ate least I hope I am not alone on this ? I guess today is my day to have a PITY PARTY! I hope I can get off my Soap box tomorrow.

UMMM help,

2006-03-08T00:42:00.000-05:00

Anyone know how to carb count pad tai I thought i did ok but ending up with a 400 blood sugar guess I goofed anyone ???

What Comes after CrAzY?

2006-03-01T09:16:00.000-05:00

Wow my days are running into eachother and I have not blogged in a while and my life is just running around. I all started 2 Sundays ago my left eye (my good eye) started acting up.. now I have been doing what they say and following and to my own surprise am now 25 yes folks 25 lbs lighter I can not believe it tho I do not see it on my body where it has gone the scale does not lie I even had to call my friend and say "Ok I was this number--- now I am this number --- that is 25 lbs lighter right?" She paused...... and said " Yep, Yep definitely 25 lbs lighter LOL ok. That is a good thing my sugars have settled down and seem to run at 125 -160 at the most which I can not wait to see my next A1C so time will tell.
Anyway so 2 Sundays ago I see the ever so lovely floaters in my left eye start to expand to make a lovely screen over my eye so I can not read, ( this is the same thing that happened to my right eye so I was pretty aware of what comes next) I have not lifted anything heavy nor exercised doctors orders ( darn, no exercises ) note the sarcasm. Now I can not see and this is with everything going right ugh! So I call the Retina doctor who just supports what I already know, no need to go to ER I will see you this week most likely it is a bleed. Now my handsome Hero of a doctor is on vacation but I am willing to be seen by his partner at least to check me out. so the next morning The office calls me ( so impressed by that) stating they have a 10:30 AM Can I come in. I race over there and it is confirmed it is a bleed and he said, lets wait for your Handsome Hero to return and see if you clear up some. in the mean time I have to go buy a magnifying old lady glasses from CVS to read out of my right eye (my right eye needs a bifocal but we decided to wait because I was so disoriented) so, Now it is a week later and I have gone from not being able to see but thru a brown screen to "foggy dashboard" so now I can read again but it is quite annoying.

Next up I have a tooth ache, I go to the dentist and he lets me know that I need my 2 wisdom teeth to be pulled ok so I set that up thinking the last time it did not hurt that bad I should just go in have it pulled and be sore but done with it .. I should know better! this is me we are talking about the woman that has to take classes twice to pass, take back things I purchase because the first is usually faulted,this is just a way of life I am use too yet, I keep hoping. anyway they inform me that because it took me a long time the first time to pay off my bill I will have to pay upfront and it will cost 975$ I was like WHAT! ok yeah I think I will just have to deal with the pain well the woman felt bad and I guess it was my good looks and charm ( eyes rolling) that got her down to 350 $ on what they hoped the insurance would pick up the rest. Whew! ok not that I wanted to part with 350$ but it is a much better number than 975 $ so I go in Heavy hands, drilling and pulling out comes the 2 teeth now I am pretty novicained up so I think this will last a few hours I decided to go see my grandma who is sick in the hospital.
Within a half hour I went from happy go lucky me to MOVE OUT OF MY WAY BITCH! the PAIN was something I never knew wow I ran to my parents got some ICE packed it on my face and took a nyproxen (come to find out I am not suppose take nyproxen, or any kind of advil family) this was new to me.. So I pop a few tylenol did not help at all... I then had to have my mom drive me to get a RX that I can take. Anyway I then had to go to the foot doctor just for routine but here I am with an ice pack on my face sitting waiting my turn in foot doctor because he is hard to get an appointment with.. he then decides to give me a shot in my foot for a pain I have been tryin to figure out for the last 2 months ( taking a breathe) I was like ok at least that took the attention away from my face ! for about one minute!.

Last but not least at all I am sorry to say my grandmother passed away in my arms in the midts of all of this she was 89 years young never sick a day in her life except for this past year where she was hit with liver cancer and then upon bringing her to the hospital she came down with a bad blood infection and within 2 days had a heart attack and a stroke at the same time. We were all around her when she passed it was beautiful strange and sad all at the same time. She was the last of one of the great ladies I knew, Never left the house without her "face" Make up on and always dressed to the "nines" we had a beautiful service for her and I will miss her greatly so needless to say " What comes after Crazy?"

Tomorrow I find out if I need to have eye surgery keep your fingers crossed .

A Day in the mind of an Addict

2006-02-14T23:21:00.000-05:00

THERE THEY WHERE the golden arches grew closer as I grew weaker.. Like a crack addict driving down a deserted street, that if they where in there right mind would not find themselves there.. Looking to score as my food addicted mind saw nothing else my stomach barked, Slimshady at my hip ever so tucked away in his holster like a loaded gun coming face to face with the enemy. They stared each other down as I entered the Walmart Plaza. My rational mind on one shoulder my addicted mind on the other bickering it out.."You're doing so well 2 months and not a craving, "but it has been two months you deserve this common" "Two months and 19 lbs common your cloths are getting bigger " " you have not lost weight in 2 weeks this is not working just get to the drive thru" "JULIE, DO NOT I MEAN DO NOT GO TO THAT DRIVE THRU" "COMMON JULIE HAMBURGERS, FRENCH FRIES YOU KNOW YOU CAN NOT DO WITHOUT"

I drive passed I park I walked toward the front door of Walmart I enter "Julie you can get a subway salad " " common Julie your sick of salad" " ok then hold off til you get home and you can make something you like"

I start to shop really for nothing I am tryin to fill a void that was not met in the matter of time that I think is should have been. I deserve french fries but I will buy cloths instead that will make me feel good, take away my stress and thinking of grandma close to dealth with liver cancer remembering the money she gave me for Christmas I had socked away, I promised to buy something nice with it.. finding a nice shirt on clearance (woo hoo) things are looking up. 9 pm is approaching and I had not eaten dinner so I decided to hurry up and get home to make some good choices. Few more things and I am checking out!

Back in my car my stomach is Barking and speaking now. knowing I have waited to long to eat and this does get me into trouble.
Rational mind: "ok now go straight home keep driving " Addicted mind " Julie it is now 10 pm and you need to eat " and they start up again.. "you have a low cal pizza at home just go!"
"I am hitting auto pilot you are going to the drive thru " "CAN I #$@%" comes out of the robots mouth realizing where I was and not needing a large IQ to figure out what the robot was saying.. I suddenly interject, "Can I have a # 10 " (fish filet, french fries and diet coke) comes out of my mouth like Emily Rose, God forbid I drink real coke that might make my sugar high.. never mind the "1000 GRAM CARB MEAL YOUR ABOUT TO EAT" shouts my good ol'rational mind "SHUT UP!' now i know this is me talking and I have been taken over by my food addicted double and so taking the bag from the girls hand, checking to make sure my crack is all there... taking the soda "are you sure it's diet? " I ask " WHO GIVES A SHIT" "I TOLD YOU TO SHUT UP !" I pull away park the car, look around cuz god forbid I look like the fat girl that has not eaten in weeks ,(at least not with the light on) I raise the golden salty treat to my lips " OK JULIE I AM PULLING OUT ALL STOPS, DO THIS AND YOU WILL BE ON DIALYSIS THINK OF THAT IT WORKED BEFORE" I stifle the thought with one beloved golden fry, one crunchy bite and my world becomes silent. Nothing else matters at this time, I dove in head first unleashed Slim shady cranked in enough I hope to cover my crack. Praying to God this will not put me on dialysis and promising to eat a lower carb no salt diet tomorrow to make up for it. Praying my ankles will not swell to remind me of the harm I am doing. Knowing if I was reading this I would think: why would she do something like this knowing it would hurt her, knowing the crap that is entering her mouth, (taking a bite and can not believe how good it taste) Knowing that your beaten by food, the answer I have today is that I don't know why food won today. I don't know why I can control it one day and not the next. I don't want to die, I did all the self talk , I go to therapy we talk about this stuff and she just said tonight how good it was that I am not straying from my diet and watching what I eat even if I am not loosing weight, it is ok keep it up. it sounds weird but in a way this gave me permission to cheat. My therapist often say how I should be proud of the stuff I have done, don't negate it but you see if I tell myself I am doing a good job then I feel I deserve a reward. I bought the cloths thinking this is a better reward than food. Yet I bought the food anyway. I pray each day when I wake to accept that I have a food addiction but I don't have to act on it.. I know I am finding out I have to be prepared. Eat on time less mistakes happen. but you know after eating the last morsel and looking for the final fries that always manage to escape to the bottom of the bag. As Nausea sets in from not eating this way in a while, prayers are said out loud extra insulin is taken I ask myself was this worth it? Addicted mind answers "ABSOLUTELY" and goes to sleep. Rational mind strokes my hair and says "We'll gettem next time"

Stress,Lies and Reduction of hours

2006-02-14T14:40:00.000-05:00

I think I have finally had it ! I mean I thought I had, had it before but now I think I am DONE! the woman I work with who I thought was put in my life to teach me patience has now got me surrendering and saying is it really worth it! i would have been gone 2 years ago but I am not sure which is worse.. to leave the stressful situation that is causing high sugars and headaches and an angry beast I never knew lived inside me. OR Switiching to a job that has far less benefits and having to pay out double what I pay nothing for now .. I weigh the 2 out daily and having the benefits to get me though these stressful days with good income and supplies usually wins.. I have been tryin to play with something for a while now and think I might have figured it out.. if I cut my hours on this job to 20 hours I still get full benefits and then work another job the rest of the days.. I hope I am making the right decision and not "cutting of my nose to spite my face" as my Mom so nicely puts... but I do not see this woman going anywhere and so I feel like I have no choice. For a while there was rumor about her being let go but as far as I can see right now this is just not happening. Ugh! Sorry folks I know it has been a while since I have Bloged Crazy days here in Julies world I know we all have them. I just hope I am not going to loose a lot of money I mean I basically had another Agency ask me what price would it take to hire you but once figuring out the numbers and how much I would have to pay out in health insurance and I do not know what my future will hold with my diabetes I would have to say even if I could get 200k a year the bens weigh out more ... wow I never had anyone ask me to name my price it is a very interesting feeling and I can not even jump on it... this is why people stay with the state even when they hate it :-) hope all is well in your worlds!

Kinda sorta Tagged

2006-01-31T23:06:00.000-05:00

by Julia so here goes nothing

Movies to watch to understand me better :

Harry Potter
Some kind of Wonderful
While you where sleeping
Breakfast Club
The negotiator
Children of a lesser God
Where the heart is

Albums to listen to to understand me better:

Indigo girls
Jack Johnson
Joss Stone
Rent
Alternate Routes

TV to watch or have watched to understand me better:

24 (seasons 1,2,3, just started on 4) <Everybody loves raymond
Law and Order
General Hospital ( I know I know can not help myself)
Comedy Central

Books to read to understand me better

Where the heart is
Running with scissors (weirdest book I ever read, my life is so sane after this book)
Dry
Harry Potter (1,2,3)
Switch

Games to play to understand me better :

Boggle
Cranium
Rummy 500
Spoons
swap
Jenga

Catalogs to look at or order from:

Lane Bryant
Anything with Gag stuff like (fool mooning knome, know any good ones ? let me know)
LL Bean]
J Jill

Magazines to read to understand me better :

Real Simple
Oprah
Crafts

Place to go to understand me better

Isolla Bella ( Deaf camp I worked at for 2 years ) 1 of 4 hearing workers honored to be invited to work there.

Clara Barton Camp ( of course) miss it !
Cape Cod
Connecticut

If You go to a ....

2006-01-28T02:12:00.000-05:00

delicatessen store, DON"T buy the liver wurst

DON'T buy the liver wurst

DON'T buy the liver wurst its been there since October 1st OcToBeR 1st!

Sorry Just been having random Barton Moments since Nicci remembered the lobster song ha ha

Then and now..

2006-01-27T14:07:00.000-05:00

We have come a long way baby! Looking back I was 11 I was a camper at CBC where a counselor named Jackie had this thing called an insulin pump. I saw it on her waist I remember I heard nothing she said I was sitting on the grass staring at this thing in a brown case. I asked what is that ? she told me.. I arrived home and told my mom all about it this small box thing that you wear and then you don't have to do shots.

Mom called Yale and asked to see their specialist I then went there and they set me up with a "testing" pump it was soooo BIG starting at the top of my hip and hanging to the middle of my thigh .. but this was just to see if I could handle the pump. First try No Go! kept getting sick and so decided to stay on shots.. Then at 18 I decided I wanted to try again. It worked so I bought a "Eugly" pump (discontinued now) as in the picture about I had that one for years and liked it. Then mini med came out with their 506 and since Eugly was going out of business I thought Hmm I best switch. it was smaller that was fun but I remember hating it at first because I liked having the numbers to punch in how much to take now I had to use arrows.

Gradually I have come to love my Mini Meds 506 then 507 then the 512 and recently 712 I still need a lot of insulin to keep my sugars down which reading other peoples blogs I see how much I need more than anyone else I am the 20% that needs a 3CC syringe in order to last 2 days (another number) but this I find to be amazing.

I can remember using a straight needle and bending it then entering it into my skin then taping it around with a loop and pressing down then putting polly skin over that..then finding the subQ sets and thinking how great... for the last 8 years I have only used my stomach.. ( ok folks I am a big girl I could never reach my arse to get the needle in) so how excited I was to find the quick sets that had tape on the just stick it in I can do it one handed .

At first I ordered the 23 inch ( hello what was I thinking ) large woman short tubing = pulling out of skin easily .. but I breathed a sign of relief when I saw they have 43 inches .. much better I still find myself forgetting if I get up from bed that SlimShady is still in bed and then before I realize SLAM ! he has hit my leg as if to say " Hey ! wait for me" or wake and find him wrapped around me and thinking (why couldn't you be a man) Any event I think Slim is here to stay forever stuck to my hip ( no pun intended ) hee hee !

Listening

2006-01-27T00:12:00.000-05:00

to Kassie's post song had me thinking and brought me back to CBC years and "Lobster patrol " " Do do do do dodooo .. (remember) staying up late and looking at past pictures. Which then had me thinking of "capture the flag" and I thought I was slick staff weekend and went to the Senior camp fire site and climbed over the fence thinking I could sneak around front .. but NOooo instead I ended up in someone back yard.. and went missing for 30 mins cuz I could not find my way back! Yeah I still get lost in my own back yard ! I remember the year the whole camp got LICE including myself and we spent most of the summer combing out kids hair and mine did not go away until I went home and got a hair cut had to throw out all my sheets and stuff. Which then made me remember a dance that we where at and Kassie you where dancing with John you had just started talking and I was so excited to hear you two got married when I read your posts ( same john right ? ) I started to remember staff weekends and water fights. falling laughing .. God I did not realize how much I missed CBC til I started remembering.

Wow Kassie funny when I saw you post I remember you being at camp and everything about it you where a great influence thanks

Here's Your..

2006-01-25T13:07:00.000-05:00

SIGN... I fully agree with the the statement "stupid people should where a sign" this way then you know what your getting yourself into and can quietly walk away if you choose.

The woman I work with just does not get it she calls herself a social worker and she is extremely mentally challenged herself.

The amazing thing is she is so skilled at getting people to believe everything she says

for someone so stupid she is actually pretty slick.

I know I am wasting my energy and blog space far to much on her already but I can not get over the stuff she gets away with.

Time and time again I explain to her what I need to do my job, and time and time again it falls on deaf ears ( no pun intended)

just because someone is deaf does not mean they do not hear .

She chooses not too.

Clients come in and leave more confused then when they arrived.

I watch this everyday and most days I can say ok this is not your job .

A recent havoc has caused me to just feel so helpless.

often the job of the interpreter is to be jus the vessel and most times I can be but this one case has gotten me in such and uproar.

Also the fact that this has been going on for two years and seems that they keep saying they are building a case against her yet she continues to make mistakes and it continues to be over looked.

Anyway just a small Rant on stupidity thanks for listening

please if you bump into stupid people give them a sign this will help !

I JUST DON'T...

2006-01-24T13:38:00.000-05:00

GET IT! I know I have had diabetes 24 years I know I have seen a lot of numbers in my day I know that if I eat McDonald's I will be sorry ... this carb counting stuff seems like it would be easy but NOOOO I seem to not be able to get it right ! I went to see my cousins new baby so I stopped along the way and got a salad 3 oz of grilled chicken.. with vinegar and a little oil, now the nutritionist told me to make sure to have some carb with it being that I was just eating the salad she said not to worry I would still loose the weight. ok so I get there and ( ooo what a cute baby) but we eat I have a small dinner roll and one scoop of Mac salad. I counted that as 40 carbs.. then my cousin pulled out corn bread.. against my better judgment I had a piece of it. I counted 15 carbs for that being that I had a half of a half. I arrive home at 9pm I am 135 YEAH! I think good job! so now since I ate at about 3 pm I am hungry I think ok I just eat something little so I pull out my unsalted tortilla chips.. 16 chips is 18 carb I counted out 32 making it 36 carbs ( I am allowed 45 carbs a meal) I have that with low fat sour cream and Peach/pineapple salsa.. and I had some butternut squash soup that I make on my own it is just butternut squash and onions mixed in a blender no salt no sugar no nothing .. I use to count that veg as carb until the nutritionist said not too cuz if is a veg carb and I was getting low. so I eat I think I have done well and about 1145 pm I test I am 257 my pump tells me not to bolus anymore because my dinner dose is still kickin... I go to bed.. I wake at 630 feeling GROSS.. hot sweaty sometimes this means something sometimes it doesn't. I test I am 343 ok so what did I do should I not eat tortilla chips ever again.. should I count the carb in the butternut squash soup? I usually do not get a high sugar when I have eaten the soup other days .. seems like some days I can eat the same thing and be fine? I can not have these high sugars in my mind HIGH sugars = dialysis I am so freaked out and I just want to be able to not have to obsess over these damn numbers .. I only ate half my breakfast and took what the bolus says 15 units .. I then came down to 185 for 15 units I should have been in the gutter and shaking .. well then at noon I was 73 and slowly dropping by the time I walked to lunch I could not lift the tray I had 8 sips of juice .. Thanks Kerri ! I really think you're on to something and waited as I ate my lunch.. I will test again in about 1 hour ( I was told at Joslin to wait 3 hours ) then test. I really was hoping at 24 years I could sit back and retire and my diabetes would do what it is told .. but as I am learning it is a never ending battle .. how do you make friends with something you Hate so much!?

I just heard ...

2006-01-19T17:06:00.000-05:00

About a something for type 2 people that is helping to lower their blood sugar and loose weight but they do not want to try it on type 1 patients cuz their " to sick" as the woman put it !!

I took a workshop today at work and they where talking bout "GLP-1" I believe it is a shot that is called "exenatide".. I might be wrong but the way I understood it is that this Doctor was from Ohio who presented and said she has several patients on it... she explained that they have know since 1970 that glucagon in the body always out beats the insulin so your sugar will go high no matter what but they did not know what to do with the info at the time so they decided to teach doctors to just increase insulin which then did what they predicted packed on the pounds for people so this woman stated that they are now re teaching the philosophy of diabetes .. I may be mistaken with some info but this is what the woman seemed to imply and she was a Endo from Ohio and said that this drug is used on type 2 diabetes but is being researched as a weight loss drug as people are loosing 60 lbs in 7 months it. My question is if it does come out as a weight loss shot then type 1 people could use it no? if it works on type 2 and helps with sugar control and weight loss why not use it on both ? I don't always understand what I hear but this sounded promising and seems a lot of focus on type 2 is out there but I really hope they are not forgetting about us type one folk.

Bored and remembering..

2006-01-19T14:18:00.000-05:00

I remember life before diabetes arrived.. I often think I don't I remember I had a favorite cereal I called it " the ladder cereal" because ok here's one for you it looked like a ladder. It was sweet and had a graham cracker taste...I remember I was always chubby and then started loosing weight,
I remember over hearing mom talking to her friends " I am worried about Julie"
I remember mom brushing my long brown hair and trying not to comment on how it was falling out as she brushed.

I remember Vegetable thins and milk as one of my last snacks before D and getting sick and not able to eat one since.

I remember being sooooo hungry and making my own "Big Macs" with my own special sauce and mom letting me have two because I was getting so skinny.

I remember sticking my head under the bathroom sink and drinking and drinking because a cup just did not provide enough.

I remember trips and trips to the bathroom.

I remember moms worried face.

I remember the doctors office and he always had monsters in his cabinet (toy ones)

I remember getting so sick that I looked like the exorcist when I puked and dad saying Oh My God!

I remember sick days ment sleeping on the couch getting the tv whatever you wanted and mom being extra nice.

I remember mom taking me to the doctor and talking about something called "Die Ab A Teez"

I remember having blood drawn and the doctor coming out and had "the look" the sigh!

I remember mom explaining to me how I will need to go to the hospital and stay there a little while because I was sick.

I remember I did not understand

I remember packing my barbies cuz they where most important at the time.

I remember nurses talking to me and sounding like Charlie browns Adults "Wa Wa Wa Wa"

I remember arrowroot cookies, mash potatoes that looked like ice cream ( hospital food)

I remember a mean lady who took my blood and hurt me.

I remember feeling shaky and weird and not knowing what that ment I soon learned it ment I could have more cookies :-)

I remember a movie called "EDI" Exercise Diet Insulin. It had a capital "I" with a police hat on and he ran thru the blood stream and blew a whistle and opened a cell and little "i" followed in suit into the "cell"

I remember the orange, the needle and practicing.

I remember Urine test .. 10 drops urine 2 drops water one tables fizzzzzz I felt like a scientist and blue ment good Orange ment bad and learning the hard way how hot the tube got.

I remember being told I could not have have my "ladder cereal" anymore.

I remember mom tryin to give me a shot and I saw her cringe and decided it was better I did it .

I remember mom taking different roots to the blood lab because she knew how upset I would get if I knew where we were going. Mom holding my head while they took my blood and getting a animal shaped eraser or plastic ring for being a good patient.

I remember a year later mom telling me I was going to go to a sleep away camp called "Clara Barton Camp" and I had never been away from home.

I remember crying the whole time til I got there ...

I remember Mail day

I remember "townies" and the counselor chasing them into the woods

I remember 24 hour urine and peeing into a jug in the corner of the cabin.

I remember making friends.

I remember learning and thrilled that I could in fact eat sweet relish on my hot dogs.

I remember having to leave early because a young girl from the Dominican Republic had gotten spinal meningitis and they had to bleach the camp.

I remember getting a letter in the mail with camp pictures and a candle to light in remembrance of that girl as she had passed away and they had put a garden next to the infirmary in her memory.

I remember going back one more year and leaving "CBC"

I remember school and teachers and keeping a Hershey bar in their desk and to see them if I needed too.

I remember anger and breaking needles and asking "why me" and writing poems "go away monster please stay at home I just want to spend one day alone, I will even call you on the phone" (common I was 9 what do you want)

I remember special recipe mom found to make apple pies in pita bread oatmeal cookies.

I remember EYES on me all the time. "should you be eating that ?"

I remember growing up and getting a job at the mall at 16 and Mom was not looking anymore I bought French fries with cheese and ketchup Heavenly this was the start of my obsession with food, I did not know this at the time not much happened to my sugar and I felt ok so next time I work I would have to try something else.

I remember eating and doing what ever I wanted cuz no one was telling me not too.

I remember looking in the mirror and wondering how I got like this.

I remember thinking now what do I do.

I remember going back to CBC a couselor and amazed that people were still there from when I was a kid and wishing I kept coming there was a bond..

I remember the garden that was build for the girl that had passed was still there and brought back memories.

I remember making friends again and learning about the relationship of food and diabetes and I was not the only one with the problem and feeling relief

I remember now I was the one chasing townies

I remember my co workers and how much fun we had

I remember the year my whole cabin came to Flag with ponytails and all their heads shaved under it and just thinking OH MY GOD ... they used eachother razors can you say Headache LOL

I remember haviing an eating disorder group with the girls and other couselors and hoping I helped a young person see how great they where.

I remember kids knowing tricks on how to get a double snack more than I ever knew.

I remember NEVER sleeping and by the end of camp being so cranky but with great memories

I remember being sent to an eye specialist and having him tell me I will need to have "laser treatment" crying then lucky for me he is a great doc and he said get your self together and come back and lets beat this.

I remember 3 years after that the eye doc sitting with me again and telling me I would need vitrectomy surgery.

I remember crying and getting depressed.

I remember thinking where did all the time go the time I had to do better the time I had to get this right.

I remember taking a deep breath ( with the help of some meds ) and trying my best.

I remember realizing that something I thought was no big deal start interfering with my life my job my family my thoughts D was no longer on the back burner it was front and center and it started to burn.

I remember switching doctors to try and get a handle on this thing.

I remember my brother making contacts and getting me and appointment with the chief of staff and Joslin. Dr. Martin Abrahamson
I remember going to the "do it" program at joslin and being told I have beginning stages of Kidney disease.

I remember just 4 weeks ago thinking I was dieing and was planning my funeral

I remember getting a GRIP!

BUT MOST OF ALL :

I REMEMBER YOU

WOW!

2006-01-19T11:22:00.000-05:00

After feeling down of my loss of control I made a trip to Joslin yesterday for my follow up visits and come to find out I have not lost 18lbs! I can not believe it I hope it keeps going down .. I try not to think about it too much because then the obsession happens ( how did I do it ? What if I mess up ? ) the usually self voices of Julies brain.( not real voices I work in mental health I am sure people would tell me and get me on meds right away :-) ) but the voice that we talk to ourselves with the tapes that you have to erase and rerecord ... they can be hard.

the Docs are still complex about my sugars though I am still all over the map even with the weight loss and eating food. I got home last night from Joslin and did not feel well ( just a regular stomatch ache) so I just had some toast with some butter and a cup of tea , few hours later my sugar was 445 and stayed there for several hours even with the change of site which then has me up all night and late for work! UGH! I just hope I can get it all on on track I will keep trudging but this is getting to be a royal pain in the tush!

Loss of Control..

2006-01-17T11:06:00.000-05:00

I lost it! I did all the self talk " you can beat this " " just go home and eat" "you're doing good don't ruin it now" ....BUT I lost it! Last night I went to Stop and Shop to get my "good" food (veg, chicken, whole wheat bread etc.) As I was walking though the store I notice I was starting to feel Nauseas and as if I had a high sugar I had left my blood machine at home thinking I would not be out that long. I took out Slim Shady and gave myself a 5 unit bolus and figured by the time I get home I will be ready to eat.I finished up and then ran to Kohl's across the street to get a new gym bag. while walking thru there I notice I began standing and looking around and telling my self "shit" now I am low (meaning I was not high in stop and shop and I should not have taken the 5 units and oh how I should know better) so I got myself together and it was supper time as I left I knew I needed something.

No juice with me I suddenly got a vision of a Whopper dancing in my head.. It was so real my mouth started to water my hands started to sweat I could taste it before I even put it in my mouth I GAVE IN. Suddenly I was in Burgerking drive thru after 2 months and then I was suddenly eating a wonderful delicious whopper. God it should not have tasted this good but it did. I wanted to Vow that I would Never do this again but I don't know if this is true. I am so afraid of going on dialysis yet I eat this gorgeous heavenly sandwich and would have even licked the paper if I did not want to look like the Fat girl with no control sitting in her car eating madly.

I called my brother my food guru and told him "I relapes" I did it and I wish I could say I was embarrassed about it I am more mortified over the fact that I could not control myself yes it was dinner time, yes I was low, but that is just a way for me to justify it. He said well just make it this one mistake not a week worth .. I lost my head and was like will I gain back my 15 lb loss over one whopper? ( I knew this was no, but I needed to hear it ) (or maybe I wanted to permission to eat again) he stated try to keep your process going and sometimes these moments will happen. He is a good Life coach so I swallowed my tears and agreed to keep moving as we ended our conversation.

So far today the control is there .. I just hope my alter does not come out and start running madly Slim Shady had to work hard to get me back to a reasonable level and I just don't want to fail at this but last night I just lost control .. I hope I can get it back!

Up all Night ..

2006-01-13T23:25:00.000-05:00

You know for years I did what I wanted to do all the way beating myself up and saying I will be ok .. I did not test for about 2 years but I always took my insulin I used the " I'll take my bolus on how I feel" I would tell the doctor I forgot my numbers at home, promising to bring them then next time ( I really did plan to improve) I just hated looking at the numbers. We all know me and numbers I have vented about that before.

Now since I came back from Joslin 1 month ago I did exactly what they said I am testing 5 to 6 times a day looking at the numbers I hate and knowing it is gonna keep me from the dialysis I so do not want .. I have been eating what they say Low sodium, Low protein. Following I have taken my blood pressure every few day looking at that and I lost 14lbs. I should feel great right ?

Yet I don't I am still tired and still just last night a sugar of 383 with no reason behind it.. so I change my site give a dose have my dinner 3 oz of chicken 1 sweet potato I wait the 3 hours only to find I am STILL 384 take another dose try to sleep but the nausea has gotten the better of me. I toss and turn, turn and toss Drink my water. now 3 AM I am finally 256 ok so it is coming down needless to say I am still wide away not feeling well,

I think I hit a light sleep at 5 am had to then call out sick do to the fact that I can not move my joints hurt I am sure from being high I feel like I am on a "roller coaster" I wake at 9 am I am 124 GREAT ! but why did I get that high in the first place? I did what they said just when I think I get a handle on this Damn thing that I try to understand daily UP UP UP I go again I sleep most of the day eat light yet at 7pm tonight I am 223 with hardly even eating..

I don't feel sorry for myself I just want to understand this is why I ignored it for so long I don't want to think what I did or how I did it when I thought I was doing it right ! I want to just do as I am told and have it go the way it should I don't want to factor in maybe it is due to a visit from " Aunt Flow" I don't want to feel tired anymore I should feel good over all yes the sugars came down. I just don't want these UP ALL NIGHT days anymore ..

I just want to feel like I can do anything I just get so tired at times I want to get back the " I can beat this feeling" I use to have, luckily I am heading to Boston again this Wed hopefully they can help me more and get this thing on track every time I see a high number I think dialysis then the mind wonders well I might as well eat a doughnut if I am gonna read 383 after a salad at least then I can say I deserve it.

One of those days I guess sure hope tomorrow is better.

Giggle of the day !

2006-01-12T11:10:00.000-05:00

PLEASE MEET...

2006-01-12T10:12:00.000-05:00

I would like you all to meet "SLIM SHADY"

I am strong and proud and I am gonna

say it Out Loud!

I am blue and it's true

I keep my owner at bay

and now that I have a name

I am here to stay!

Thank you all A lot for putting

names in the pot!

All your ideas were great

but it was Erica's I decided to take!

As you can see I am not much of a rapper

like the original.

But I will keep it real (YO!)

and I will be here, stay tuned for my adventures

With my owner and although we might not always agree

Thank you all for helping to name Me!

(BOW-BOW- THANK YOU -THANK YOU YOU'RE ALL TO KIND)

Thank You

2006-01-10T14:12:00.000-05:00

I am thanking you all (in sign language too) ---->
I can not believe how out of the loop I was to not have found this Blogging stuff sooner. Everyday I am reading something new and after 24 years I have never felt more supported. I was always looking for something until I found Blogspt though I would have never know how many people are out there and you could be supported just by reading someone else's story. I have identified with a lot of you out there and thank you for your stories. I love the true honesty that is here I know for me this is what I needed to go on people who speak the truth and who speak so real.. Like in Diabetes Daily just writing at random about the day is so freeing. I forget when I am typing I often want to be witty and funny but at times I am just Me no matter if I am Cranky, Angry, Happy,Sad, or just plain annoyed I know I can just come on here and type and not be judge.
I weighed in today and found that I have lost 14lbs! FINALLY I still have a long road ahead but I sure home that it continues I know all this work is going to make me tired but I am thankful to know I don't have to do this alone. My sugars are still a bit screwy which I do not seem to understand when I am eating what I should be and following everything it says along with exercising 3 times a week. I have found Martial arts is something I love to do I found a place called Calasanz's Physical Arts a friend at work encouranged me to go and I thought I had to be in shape just to enter but, I was welcomed with open arms and you know what it can be like if you over weight and entering a gym. Well here no one is judged you work with someone one on one and I feel like I am learning something instead of just exercising. I have learned some Wing Chun.

Wing Chun :is the name of a system of martial arts developed in southern China approximately 300 years ago. Its originator, the Buddhist nun Ng Mui, was a master of Shaolin Kung Fu and used this knowledge to invent a way to take advantage of the weaknesses inherent in the other Shaolin systems. This new system was well-guarded and passed on to only a few, very dedicated students. Later, the style became known as Wing Chun, after Ng Mui's first student, a woman named Yim Wing Chun.

This is a very calming style to learn and I am finding it very interesting.
So this is where I am at today and just wanted to say Thanks :-)

Help me name my pump!

2006-01-06T09:06:00.000-05:00

Can you help me find my identity (I have not lost my name tag like spongebob) I just don't have a name.. Oh and my owner is to blame!

I am 3 years old

yet never been told

Some of my friends out there have names

so please join in it will be like a game !

Vote for a name for me for the next 5 days

Then you will be amazed .

I will be so proud and scream it outloud

Hello everyone my name is ___________!

More about me I am male

with a strong will and tail.

I am not mean

but I move things in streams

I get the job done

so my owner can have some fun!

Something I do on the side.

2006-01-05T23:56:00.000-05:00

something I forgot to add to my 5 random thoughts I have been so focused lately on my DX from the docs I forget there is so much more about me that is so much better to talk about :-) I am an actress on the side I am part of a Sign Language performance group for the last 7 years we do a Christmas show every year in West Hartford CT and it is great fun if you're interested check check us out it is a great way to bring hearing and deaf people together with music TheCRIDDERS

The giggle of the day

2006-01-05T10:12:00.000-05:00

Ok so this AM I had to go get a drug test done for a job I am working at .. So I think ok I am the Pee Queen and do this all the time so should be no big deal right ? WRONG! I get there have taken my water pill and should be ripe .. So they hand me a cup I do my business only my business is not cutting it .. The tech says I think you have " just enough" and continues to fill the vials she needs to fill and what happens? She spills it all over the desk my DNA is going everywhere.. and besides that it is 830AM and I am suppose to be at work . So now I have to wait and drink and drink .. I said can I run to my car and get my tea that might help along with the lasix once that kicks in I should be fine.. The tech says well hurry up cuz your not suppose to leave the building .. Wow! Strict I felt like a convict. After much drinking I watch other people come in and it seems to be the Day of NO business because we where all sitting in the lobby drinking water and waiting and we just looked at each other and started laughing. Just a little giggle.

Tagged!

2006-01-04T23:05:00.000-05:00

I have been tagged by Nicole so here goes:

1) I am fluent in American Sign Language and finally got my certification that I worked long and hard to get something I am proud of and to be a bridge to two different worlds is very rewarding.

2) I love Fraggle Rock brings me back to the 80's when I use to watch them and recently the first season has come out and I plan to buy that :-) I have recently been into collecting 1980 toys.

3) I have found a new love in Martial Arts I try to go to the Dojo 3 times a week.. I am working toward kicking some butt .. Actually the philosophy is to just have the resource not to use it unless necessary.

4) I love to watch Law and Order every night on TNT or USA I can not get enough of it !

5) I have a thing for turtles it reminds me to take one day at a time .. As in the story "the tortoise and the Hare" I tend to get speedy and move really fast this reminds me to slow down and take things as they come and I will end up at the finish line anyway.

Thinking I am a Charmed one

2006-01-04T22:29:00.000-05:00

Why is it that our minds go blank or at least it feels like that when we get low? I know for me I have been reading about peoples low experiences. Usually I am in a store and when I am suddenly walking around or just standing there thinking I am walking and realize " oh I have been standing here for quite a while " I better move.. If I am in a grocery store I have found myself staring at the small refrigerators looking at the juice and thinking OOOHHH I really need one of those.. Did I think I had the charmed ones powers, I was gonna just orb the juice to my hand? Once I realize I am staring at the juice really hard and it has not yet arrived in my hand I figure ok better tell my feet to move.. I then feel like I have powers because it feels like I have slide over to the refrigerator and my hand went thru the glass with out a scratch (amazing!) and now the juice is in my hand. Ok brain now just will it to open on its own common. This always cracks me up and who better to share this with them people who understand. Just a little 2 cents on my low experiences.

A Diabetics Vent on Salt,protein and Numbers.

2006-01-03T22:56:00.000-05:00

No Salt they tell me as I put my fork into a salad, I say Yum! My mouth say YUCK! How about a little cardboard with a side of sawdust, I do this so the urine protein will go down so I don't end up on dialysis, I am doing this to live so my not so complicated life (eyes rolling) does not get more complicated. Now cutting out the salt ok I accept it <> but protein too? Only 60 grams a day says the doctor .. Do you know what 60 grams a day is.. That is what the average person needs to live ... WELL I AM NOT YOUR AVERAGE PERSON! no sense in
screaming out Loud ..For 24 years I have done what I wanted to an extent.. Always took my medicine tested but ugh! Numbers ! Who the heck wants to read numbers if they are not what they should be?
AND that is another thing ,.Numbers are everywhere have you ever noticed that when I get on the scale a number (not so pretty)when I prick my finger a number (not so pretty) when they take my blood pressure (Now that is pretty) when they collect my urine (yeah not so pretty again) when I measure my food (30z,15grams,1 cup)when I wait for my sugar to come up (15 min) NUMBERS, NUMBERS, NUMBERS. No wonder I need therapy !

HAPPY NEW YEAR

2006-01-01T20:05:00.000-05:00

Hope you all have a happy healthy 2006 "Live well,Love much,Laugh often"

Sitting here

2005-12-31T09:42:00.000-05:00

Well I am sitting here at work on the weekends I am a video relay sign language interpreter where people call in and I interpret their phone calls for them. This is new to the deaf community and their our mix emotions behind it all some people like the access of using a telephone like you and I would others do not like that is take interpreters out of the community and puts less human contact.. It is a very interesting dynamic if anyone is interested you can read more about it at Sorenson.com .

Anyway I am so new to this blogging that I know I should not be so excited and I hope the novelty never wears off I am reading and reading and keep finding new stuff along the way after feeling lost and alone with the type 1 diabetes stuff I am so glad to know we are all still out there .. I knew we where but just the point of actually making contact I don't know what took me so long but so glad I am here :-)

I am so excited

2005-12-30T14:38:00.000-05:00

Hi, all my name is Julie I have been Diabetic for 24 yrs and I am excited to have found this spot formally know as "strong yet tired" for about 2 days I made a new blog because I could not get the links section to work.. there was not much on there so I hope to get it right this time around..

I had had started to write on here to find people like myself who have been diabetic for a while and may or may not have some complications I just recently have had some complications that have scared me a bit but once talking with the doctors, with alot of work I think I will be ok.

I then found the Diabetes O.C. how exciting to find this page and realize that I knew some of the CBC girls as I went to CBC as a kid and again as a couselor Hello out there. I have thought of CBC often and wondered about everyone.

To update you on my life So much has happened and I look forward to reading about all of you as well. I am now 33 the thirties, Single know any? I work through out Connecticut as a Sign Language interpreter. I love my job at times it can be taxing but I love it just the same. I have two Cats "pug" and "g-baby" live on my own. I love to go out with friends, laugh until my stomatch hurts, and just try to see life and take things as they come. Not always easy as of late

I recently particapated in the "do it " program at the Joslin Clinic where I met a lot of people unfortunatly I did not meet many type 1 diabetics mostly type 2 I understand their frustration and what they where going though.. although I really wanted to connect with people who has done what I have done.. good or bad I have not been the "poster child" of diabetes but tried the best I could with what I was delt. Upon leaving the program I was told that I do have the beginning stages of Kidney disease after going there "if I only" did this that ... I composed myself and know that now I just have to deal with today.. upon talking with the doctors I found that on a low sodium by the way. and low protein I should get myself in ok shape.

well as of today I am looking forward to the New year with only posative thoughts but so glad I found you guys and look forward to reading on.. HAPPY NEW YEAR !!